Not a good enough reason
by cgal1826
Summary: A take on why Tom could have disappeared. The McQuaids are on a drug case. It leads to Tom question the battle he has devoted his entire life to. He struggles to move on from all that has happened in his few short years at jump street. In the end it all comes down to one question, what is a good enough reason? Don't judge by the first chapter others are better :) I hope anyways!
1. Chapter 1

So this is my first time writing anything but I'm really enjoying it so far :) So I will be super surprised and excited if anyone reads this ! And even more grateful if anyone reviews ! Anyway I hope you enjoy and I hope I've got the characters ok... also early stuff is mostly introductory but it gets more emotional and angsty I promise :)

Chapter 1

… Heh …

Before Fuller had even finished telling them about the case Tom and Doug were already having a silent but argumentative conversation using their eyes. Tom, looking at his partner with an expression that would frighten anybody who didn't know him better and Doug glaring back with his trademark puppy dog eyes. Then as they walked out of Fullers' office, their usual bickering began.

"No.", Tom said flatly, finally verbalising what his eyes had been telling Doug for the last 10 minutes.

"But Tommy!", Doug whined.

"Don't use that tone with me young lady", Tom retorted in his usual sarcastic manner.

"Am I going to have to dump you at an old peoples home and trade you in for a younger model?".

"You wouldn't dare", he countered fake hurt in his voice.

At this point Doug new he had won the battle of whether they were going under as the McQuaids. The truth was Tom loved this cover almost as much as his partner but always protested half-heartedly out of habit.

As always, the urban legend of the McQuaid brothers circled the halls long before the boys set foot into the school. The fake transcripts of the undercover officers had been sent to the schools' office earlier that week. Teacher's nervous whispers were overheard by students and rumours of the reign of terror the misfit brothers held over previous schools were retold so frequently they were soon accepted as facts.

The woolly and imposing older brother was followed by his smaller and much more reserved brother through the front entrance of Grandvale High. This particular school was not in a bad area and was filled with extraordinarily ordinary kids. Mathew Benton was an exception. To the school, he was just a kid that had been going through a rough time with the recent death of his father and had apparently let his grades slip a little. But to the police department he was the first and most easily accessible step towards taking down a large drug empire. And that's why the officers were there.

"It must be true, he's huge, he has to have been held back a year," was the first audible whisper they could hear. "And look Tommy does carry a gun, you can see it bulging from his jacket pocket". Tommy laughed as he heard this and remembered the garbage Penhall dumped in his car that he had shoved into his pocket a few minutes prior.

Just like a scene in a cheesy 80's movie both the men continued to strut down the corridor. Doug eyed everyone who dared meet his gaze giving them a look that told them he wasn't going to take anyone's shit. Tommy followed not making eye contact with anyone. He walked in his usual laid back manner, showing his obliviousness to his own attractiveness. This fact of course only making him more irresistible. As he leant on his locker he was approached by a sweet looking girl, who started a conversation with him.

Doug leant on the locker behind him, loving every moment of watching his partner squirm. Even when playing a Mcquaid, Tom always seemed oblivious or at least genuinely confused about the effect he had on females.

"… I'm sorry but I ah, already have a girlfriend.".

"That's no problem; you seem man enough to handle two women.". Doug bit his finger to hold in a laugh, generally the girlfriend line was enough.

"Nice you think so, but I'm sure my girlfriend would not agree with you.", he said as he laughed uncomfortably and ran his hand through his hair in a way that even Penhall thought was adorable.

"Alright, but if you ever change your mind, call me.", she said smoothly, staring into his eyes as she ran her hand down his shirt and slipped a piece of paper into his pocket. "Or you could introduce me to your brother.".

Doug finally interrupts, "I think you should listen to my brother before someone sees you with us and tells your daddy, who will most likely ground you for a month, ok then, bye bye now.". He said as he waved her off condescendingly.

Now the pressure was off, Tom was basking in the attention that he wasn't accustomed to receiving as Tom Hanson. He couldn't help wondering why his real jail sentence didn't seem to have the same effect on women.

"Let's go introduce ourselves to Mathew shall we, before I have to arrest you for taking advantage of a minor.". Doug teased.

"Not funny Doug.". Hanson said shooting him a cold look as they began to walk towards the cafeteria.

"Tommy man, when are you finally going to accept it.".

"Accept what?" he questioned, even though he knew what Doug was about to say.

"That good girls like bad boys and bad girls like bad boys?"

"Then who do good guys, like you and I get Doug? Huh?", he said choosing not to accept Penhall's words of apparent wisdom. "And it's too bad anyway … I've got an image to live up to, remember? Boy scout Hanson.".

"That's ok little bro, just enjoy it while it lasts, because… "

"We're the Mcquaid brothers, Heh!". They shout in unison beginning to rough each other up.

'Yes, I sure will', Tom thought. Feeling fleetingly scared about how much he enjoyed playing this character. One that asserts respect for the wrong reasons, turns heads as he walks down a corridor and doesn't have to live up to anyone's expectations. Over the years Tom found he was good at playing pretend, easier to hide your own feelings that way. 'Maybe a little too easy' he thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

… Get what you give …

As the brothers entered the cafeteria they immediately spotted two rough looking boys, circling a third much smaller boy like he was there prey. Hanson looked at Penhall cocking one eyebrow at his fellow officer to show he knew what he was thinking. His partner nodded back and they immediately walked over to where the commotion was just beginning.

"We told you, we needed our book reports done for today!", the largest boy said patting the nervous kid on the back with every second syllable.

"And come on man, that last assignment only got me a B, don't get lazy on us Troy or we will have to let Hannah over there how much you like her. ", the second bully continued. A nervous Troy then shot a terrified look over to a pretty blond girl surrounded by her many friends. The kid then replied very bravely with the only courage he could muster,

"I had to make it seem realistic didn't I.". With that the second tormenter grabbed him by his hair, thrusting his head backwards violently.

"Listen here you little shit, if you ever imply that I'm stupid again I'll….".

"Hey, hey, boys, I hope were playing nicely over here.", the booming voice of Douglas Mcquaid interrupted.

"Wouldn't want any of our play toys to get hurt, would we Doug.", followed the playful voice of Tommy Mcquaid."Because I know we're new here but we thought we ought to catch you guys up on our rules. You see in our school, no one gets to have fun at anyone else's expense. Except us.", he continued icily.

"You got that?" Doug said callously as he slapped the hand away that was still holding on tightly to the back of Troy's head. "So we don't EVER want to hear about something like this happening again. You see last time someone didn't follow our rules, my little brother here had to spend some quality time in a jail cell, if you know what I'm getting at.". Tommy patted the bulge in his pocket deceptively. He was enjoying seeing these low lives squirm a little too much. "Now go away, we want to have a chat with our new mate." Troy looked even more petrified than before.

"Relax little man, we were just want some information from you" Doug said as kindly as he could tying to ease the fear of the scared boy in front of him.

"We want to know who Matthew Benton is, just point him out then we'll let you finish your lunch ok.", Hanson asked calmly as an expression of relief flooded the kids features. Tommy gave him a reassuring wink and Douglas patted him on the shoulder in a friendly manner.

"Really, is that all I, I can do that." he stammered, still obviously shaken up but a little baffled at the boys kindness.

"Okie dokie let's do it then." Tom said as they started getting up from the table.

As they got up boy points them towards a slight, blond haired boy sitting at a table with two others. The officers walk over and put their arms around his shoulders as they sat either side of him.

"Hello!" they said in unison.

"Leave now, please," the older brother asked the other members of the table, feigning politeness. Mathew signalled that it was ok for them to leave as he smirked and began talking to the brothers.

"I've been expecting you boys, heard a lot about you.".

"All good things I hope,", Tom replied coolly.

"I heard you were expelled for dealing at your old school.".

"That's right."

"And I'm guessing you want in on some action at Grandvale."

"Fabulous! We got ourselves a genius here Tom," the older Mcquaid chimed in cockily "So when do you want to meet up and talk details?"

"Hold up a second, why do you think I would I want you to help me if you can't even manage to stay out of trouble with a bunch of dumbass teachers?"

"He has a good point Douglas," Tom said flatly, wondering why this guy was the first suspect to ever question them about this.

"I'll tell you the true story shall I? After all, good relationships are built on trust right?". Tom looked at Doug nervously, wondering where he was going with this. "Truth is, Tommy was caught hooking up with his teacher."

"Yeah right!" said Mathew in disbelief.

"Hey, he might not look like much, but he's quite the 'ladies' man." At that Tom cringed as he brought hand to his hair and turned to Doug in disbelief. He then quickly shot a smile of reassurance at Matthew.

"And so they didn't want to get the teach in trouble, you know, so they just blamed it on drugs." Tom could not believe his partner had just said that. He was going to kill him later! At the same time however he was grateful that he was able to get Matthew to consider them as business partners again. "So what do you say?" Doug continued after a moment silence.

"Alright I'll think about it and I'll get back to you guys ok.".


	3. Chapter 3

I thought I'd upload a few chapters at the same time to see if I can spark anyone's interest. Also if anyone reads this I forgot to add before that constructive criticism is welcome and that I'm not great with spelling grammar etc. so let me know if I need to fix anything :) Also I own nothing, apart from the laptop I am writing this on. So don't sue me haha, would be worth your time and money anyway ;)

Chapter 3

… Fortune Teller …

Hanson was waiting outside one of the classrooms early the next day. As usual, Doug had gotten himself on detention on the first day of school. Tom knew they had to play a character but it could be incredibly annoying having to come in so early. Especially when he had had trouble sleeping the night before.

Today Tom was even more irritated as there was a girl sitting across from him, also presumably waiting for someone who had been staring at him for the last 15 minutes. As he tried to pull his sleeves down to block out the cold, he realised why.

His fingers brushed the tattoo on his arm and he was immediately filled with nostalgia. He had hated it when he first got it. He felt embarrassed by it. It was a constant and permanent reminder of his tendency to lose his good judgement when he was feeling particularly stressed or trapped. It was a constant reminder of this characteristic that he despised in himself. But now he quite liked his tattoo and what it represented. It reminded him of how good it felt to be rebellious and not always do what people expect of you. As for that weekend with Russel Buckins, he loved being totally free. Free of responsibility and most importantly free from the expectations of others.

His thoughts were interrupted when he saw the girls eyes move from his fingers that were touching his tattoo to his face. "You thinking of getting a matching one?" he asked playfully. It felt nice to talk to this girl who knew nothing about him, nothing about Tom Hanson. He didn't see any concern in her eyes just curiosity.

This was different to what he was used to, most of the people he worked with every day at Jump Street knew almost everything about him. It was always hard to keep a secret in that place. But Tom always managed to keep a bit of himself a mystery. Sometimes he considered letting on he was finding things hard but he always decided against it. He was too relieved that they had finally let up on him about his last adventure to Fulsom prison. It had only been two weeks week since they stopped constantly asking him how he was; and the worrying looks they gave from their desks that they thought he didn't notice were lessening.

He empathised deeply with Harry, as Jude was still pestering him about what happened. If Harry was anything like Tom he would just want to try and forget. Forgetting of course is rather difficult when someone makes it their sole purpose to remind you every day about the thing you are trying so hard to ignore. Tom was finding out it was harder to just forget than he anticipated. Even with his friends not bringing it up anymore he was struggling more than he anticipated to just let it go.

"Oh, no, I would never," she said quickly. Tom realised she was right, most teenagers wouldn't dream of getting a tattoo. He was certain at her age he would never have dreamed he would one day have a tattoo. But then again he would never have imagined he would have been to prison either.

"Never say never, you can't predict the future," he said a little too profoundly for a Mcquaid. She looked taken aback. Tom soon realised it wasn't in reaction to his wise words, but instead to the intimidating looking boy approaching.

"Wendy, I looked for you all day yesterday," he said clearly frustrated.

"That's probably because I was avoiding you. Learn to take a hint next time!" Hanson noticed the anger rising quickly in the boy.

"Why don't you listen to her and back off ok," Hanson interrupted.

"You of all people should know, no always means yes," he said winking at Tom, making his skin crawl. News of the 'real' reason The McQuaids were kicked out of their last school had obviously already spread. The boy began at that moment to run his hand up the girls' shirt.

"Piss off Robert!" She said and pushed him away furiously.

"Alright, it's time for you to leave," Hanson interrupted again. This time Robert was visibly aggravated.

"Why don't you piss off, this has nothing to do with you!" he said shoving Hanson into the locker.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you!" The officer warned, expecting Robert to calm down. Unfortunately the officer's instincts failed him as before he knew it he saw a flash of white and felt his body go limp and fall to the floor.

A few minutes later Doug found Hanson slumped on the floor outside the classroom with a girl leaning over him. 'That smooth bastard' he thought, always going out of his way to show Doug up with the ladies. It was only when he saw his partners bloody nose he realised something was wrong.

"What the hell happened," he asked deeply concerned.

"I'm fine, " Tom replied, as he slowly regained consciousness. "I just didn't see it coming is all,".

"I think you may need glasses Tommy, because a bloody nose like that didn't come from nowhere I assure you!" He joked.

"I'm so sorry about your face," the girl chimed in, "He has such a hot temper, that why I left him, you know", she shrugged looking incredibly guilty.

"Don't worry about it, better my ugly mug than your pretty face." Tom replied innocently.

Apparently word had spread very quickly around the school about what happened to Tom. The brothers were extremely annoyed to find out that Mathew in light of the event had decided he didn't want to deal with them. Apparently he thought wiser of doing business with a 'pretty boy with a big mouth who couldn't defend himself and his larger and much stupider older brother'.

The officers spent the whole drive home brain storming ideas about how to get Mathew to change his mind in order to get their case back on track. What was really driving them though was the hunger to restore their severely dented pride. By the time they went to bed that night they had already completed step one of their plan.


	4. Chapter 4

If anyone has got this far thankyou for reading and also I would love to know what you think! Please :) I feel like the coming chapters will be better

so I hope you enjoy ;)

Chapter 4

… All about appearances …

Tom always hated gym class even when he went to school the first time around. Sure he was pretty fit, he needed to be to make sure he could defend himself. But if he was completely honest he didn't consider himself to be very talented at any 'real' sports.

He looked at his partner standing across from him. He was beaming with delight at the thought they were about to play football or baseball or anything really. Hanson realised, for what felt like the millionth time how different the two best friends really were.

"Cool it a little Doug, you're forgetting who we are, the Mcquaids, two kids with no future and no talent for anything but getting into trouble," Tom gently reminded his partner, trying his best to not crush his good mood.

"Of course Tommy, but I think you're forgetting that I'm also a protective older brother who will surely be looking for some payback for Monday!", Doug replied a little too enthusiastically for Hanson's liking.

Everyone was beginning to get changed when Tom suddenly remembered the second half of their plan. He thought back to two nights ago.

_They had stopped at a local bar on their way home, It was only 7 o'clock but they both already had a few beers under their belts. The boys were fuming at being told they weren't good enough to do business with. The Mcquaid cover always worked a treat and they 'weren't about to let some no good punk at some middle class school get the better of them', they had demanded furiously at each other several times already. _

_"__I've got it" said Tom triumphantly, "I have a feeling you're not going to like it though,"_

_"__Try me,"_

_"__You need to beat me up," the officer said matter of factly. _

_"__Whaat? I'm not going to do that! Besides I don't see how you being beat up it going to make you look any tougher," Doug said utterly confused. _

_"__No, but it would be impressive if I made out I beat someone off on my own wouldn't it?" He said grinning cunningly. "And there not going to just swallow some bullshit story! They are going to want some hard evidence of the fight!". Doug looked at him realising Tom had a good plan or at least the best plan they could come up with. Doug was certain the alcohol they had consumed was severely clouding his judgement but he agreed to Hansons' idea anyway. _

_After the partners felt they were sufficiently intoxicated they went back to Jump Street knowing that at 8:30pm everyone would have gone home. They needed to do this relatively quickly as Doug needed to relieve Clavo's babysitter at 9. On entering the chapel Tom immediately removed his jacket and signalled for Penhall to start. "Let's get this over with," he beckoned not wanting Penhall to sober up any more. He knew his partner would not be able to willingly hurt his friend if he was thinking clearly. _

_With that Penhall closed his eyes and punched Tom hard in the stomach. He punched him again several times in the ribs and back also. Tom tried hard to ignore his pain but on the last blow to his side he unwilling let out a groan. At this Doug opened his eyes fully and they were instantly flooded with guilt. __Hanson knew there was no point trying to convince him to keep going and beside he was certain the injuries he already had would create impressive enough bruises. _

_"__Tom I can't believe you convinced me to do this, look at you, you can't even stand up straight. This was a terrible idea!" said Doug in a word vomit of regret. _

_"__You know any make up would wash off in the showers and that I would have gone and gotten myself beaten up by somebody else if you didn't do it! __And I took advantage of the fact I knew you would never let me! That's all that happened Doug," Tom reassured him trying to ease his guilt. Tom was surprised at how certain he was he would have actually done it if Doug didn't cooperate. _

_"__I know. You're stubborn and you're an idiot Tom! And you're staying at mine tonight, ok?"_

_"__Whatever you say Doug." Replied Hanson glad for an excuse not to go back to his apartment and sleep alone. _

Toms thoughts returned to the present as he began to lift the bottom of his shirt. He knew the bruises must have been impressive as he noticed that slowly one by one the entire class had turned around to look at him. He finished pulling his shirt over his head in one swift movement as he heard Doug let out slight gasp of guilt. He generally hated getting changed so openly in locker rooms and he had always despised being the centre of attention, but today he didn't mind, 'show time' he thought.

"Staring is rude you know?" he said hostilely. "Is my bareness making you uncomfortable? he teased twirling his slightly overgrown hair around his finger. He blew the kid closest a kiss before proceeding with his performance. "This is nothing, you should see the other guy," he bragged as cockily as he could, throwing his shirt into his locker hoping desperately no one could see through his act.

He slowly approached Robert the kid that hit him a few days previous, patting his cheek before grabbing him by his hair "He didn't stand a chance once I got started. I never make the same mistake twice you see," he said cruelly narrowing his eyes at the nervous boy in front of him. Doug looked at his partner with an impressed grin across his face. Tom always played the shyer more mysterious brother for a reason; Doug honestly didn't think he had it in him to pull off a tough guy cover. Sure Hanson was a smart ass but he had always been the one of the two who would avoid a fight. With that thought he saw his partner let go off his victim and beckon for his assistance with his eyes.

"The prick was just lucky I was in detention," Doug responded, Tom saw Mathew look over in interest at the insinuation that Tommy beat up this guy on his own, "Because no one ever gets away with making a delayed payment to the Mcquaid Brothers!" Doug continued before they broke into their usual antics. They continued fighting until the teachers called for everyone to come out and start the class. Even though the whispers continued Tom finally allowed himself to relax a bit while Doug beamed like proud older brother as they walked out of the locker room together.

Mathew cornered Tom alone in the hall later that day. "Look I apologise I think may have judged you a little too quickly. What do you say we start over?"

"Fine, but I would like to know how this sudden change of heart is going to benefit me." Tom said trying to maintain his tough demeanour from earlier.

"Yes actually I wanted to talk to you about that, I think you would be a great help with my business after all. But just you, not your brother. I still think that he's a sloth, the lights are on but nobody is home if you know what I mean," Hanson was not at all happy about having to continue the case on his own but thought it best to just agree for now.

"Look I'm happy to deal with you alone, but never talk about my brother that way again! Got it?" He threatened surprised at the tenacity in his voice.

"Sure whatever, didn't think you would be so touchy about him. Ok, so all we have to do is deliver product, we get the product from someone and we pass it along at the time and place they tell us, different specifics each time. We get paid 30% of the value of the product we deliver. It's pretty good money for very little work," he grinned widely showing how extremely proud he was of his set up.

"I don't know, it seems too easy, I mean why do they need us really?"

'That's really none of your concern McQuaid," he said his expression once again turning steely. "You just need to make sure that you get to the meeting place with the product in tact without being followed,"

"So what kind of product are we dealing with?"

"Cocaine," He said with a smirk, "What does it matter to you?"

"If it's good stuff then maybe I could organise to get a cut with my pay?" Mathew looked Tommy up and down in silence.

"What? Spit it out," He hissed agitated at being stared down in such a way.

"Nothing it's just interesting, I mean I suspected you may have been a user, but to ask for it to be part of your payment you must have more of a habit than I thought."

"Trust me when I say it won't affect my ability to do this job. Besides tell me honesty that the biggest dealer in the school doesn't indulge in the drug he sells,"

"Not now, not ever, I don't want any part of it. I'm just in this to make some money so I can go to college. So you better not do anything to screw this up for me ok?"

Tommy looked into the boys' eyes and felt like he was seeing him for the first time. He wasn't some hardened criminal; he was just a kid, doing what he thought he needed to do to get ahead in this world.

"I won't, trust me." The words tasted bitter coming out of his mouth and he wanted to take them back immediately. But he didn't, he knew he had a job to do and this kid was willingly breaking the law. And worse than that, he was willingly participating in the distribution of a drug that had the potential to ruin lives, to kill. All for a few lousy dollars. Hanson reminded himself of this as forced himself to finish planning their first job.

Reviews :) it would mean a lot !


	5. Chapter 5

This chapter really gets in Toms head so I hope you like it. I'm really happy with it, but would love some input as to how you guys think it is going :)

Chapter 5

… Self-inflicted Amnesia …

Hanson woke up to the maddening sound of his alarm going off. He felt like the noise was driving a nail into his skull. As he attempted to sit up a wave of nausea swept over him, so he immediately retreated, curling back up in his sheets.

As his head hit the pillow he saw a half empty bottle of beer across from him. He slowly made the connection between the bottle and his current state. Soon after, he also remembered that yesterday was the anniversary of Kenny Weckerleys death. Tom didn't lend himself to tears easily so tried to deal with pain the best he could. He knew turning to drink was the wrong way to go about it, he knew it was a coward's way out. But it was also the only way he knew how to make himself forget.

Doug would be so angry with him if he found out, but Hanson could deal with an angry Penhall. But he also knew that Doug would be disappointed in him, that he couldn't take. Not disappointment. He himself was deeply ashamed. But that didn't stop him. Today was the fifth time this fortnight he had woken up with a pounding headache and no real recollection of why.

Tom always had an excuse though. One day he would tell himself it was ok because it was Amys' birthday or that he could reward himself with a night free from his own memories because he had made some ground on his case. But even he was getting sick of hearing his own excuses.

It's just he was so frustrated with society and with people; he had seen so many lives ruined. 'Really it was him who was responsible for ruining lives' was the thought that had been more frequently occurring to him. Matty, Jack Weaver, Quincey Thompson, Kenny Weckerley, Ronnie Seebok and Amy are just a few of the people whose lives had been permanently altered for worse because of his presence in them.

He did cry for Ronnie and eventually for Amy, but it didn't make him feel any better. As a long time ago someone had told him that people are selfish creatures and that even when someone dies they cry not really for the person who died but because the impact the death has on them. Because that person will no longer be there for them. This thought has haunted him ever since. No matter how many times people told him he hurt because he cared, he hurt because he was a good person he found it hard to believe. He had hurt so many people, how could he still call himself a good person? He was scared that he just hurt for himself. Hurt because of all the guilt he felt, the guilt he knew he wouldn't have if these kids were still alive. He knew deep down this was true and he loathed himself for it.

He couldn't help feeling guilty not just about particular cases but about every single kid he arrested. Just as he couldn't take credit for all his successes in life due to the fact he owed a lot of who he was to his parents and friends, he couldn't completely blame these kids for who they were. Their parents and friends also moulded them or in some cases didn't care for them at all. Yes at some point they needed to take responsibility for their actions but who is to say that if Tom, Doug, Judy and Ioki grew up in these kids places they wouldn't have turned out as Ronnie Seeboks and Tyrell 'Waxer' Thompsons.

These sobering thoughts were surfacing increasingly in the last year. He couldn't help but feel as if he should to do something more. Doug had once talked about this, asking what sending these kids away did, a part from make them worse? At the time he had replied that they couldn't just take a kid out for ice cream when they murdered someone. If he was asked the same question today he wasn't sure what he would say, he still knew that what he had said was true but he was really starting to understand what Doug meant. And it was affecting his ability to do his job. He felt as if it was eating him alive.

He just hoped his current case didn't end the same way as so many others did. He hoped he could help Mathew. Mathew was a good hearted kid, he reminded him a lot of himself. Hanson could have been this kid. They both lost their father at such a young age but unfortunately Mathew had no one to turn to.

It became apparent he had drifted off to sleep again when he blinked his eyes open and saw it was now ten past nine. He stumbled out of bed trying to ignore the nausea as he walked towards his bathroom. He half tripped on some dirty clothes which forced him to look at the rest of his apartment. He was disgusted in what he saw and made mental note to convince Doug to do their usual Friday night pizzas at his house instead of Hansons'.

As he reached the mirror he took a few seconds to survey the damage last night as well as the last few sleepless months had caused. He wasn't surprised to see his eyes were drawn and bloodshot and that his oily over grown hair was sticking slightly to his face. He brushed his teeth to remove the evidence of the night before and ran his hand his through his hair a few times after being unable to locate a comb. He got changed into his clothes from the day before and grabbed his brown jacket before running out the door, well and truly late, McQcuaid style.

Hanson was never late. Even when playing Tommy Mcquaid. So naturally when his partner walked into class half an hour late Penhall was worried. His fellow officer looked, for lack of a better way to describe it, incredibly tired. Hanson was one of the most emotional guys he knew but he always managed to fool most by keeping his feelings hidden just below the surface. He knew Tommy must be struggling more than Doug thought if he was letting his appearance reflect his state of mind.

He reminded himself that Tommy was an adult and would ask for his help if he needed it. As in the past Doug had been able to confide in Tom and on many occasions he was able to return the favour and be there to support Hanson. He felt a little better after thinking about this but reminded himself to insist pizza was at Toms. As you could always tell the state of Hansons' head by the state of his apartment. Doug sighed 'Yep, that's my best friend, wears his heart on his sleeve and keeps his head in his apartment'. Doug was incredibly glad this was true as Tom himself was pretty good at getting around the 'how are you really' type of conversation with Doug. Always managing to effortlessly ease his partners worries through deflecting with some light hearted banter that came so easily to the pair.


	6. Chapter 6

This is a longer chapter so I hope you enjoy it! Thankyou for reading if you've made it to here. I am planning to post a chapter a day if all goes to plan as I'm on uni break for two more weeks yay. So please keep reading! Reviews are really appreciated, suggestions, criticisms, comments whatever. Anything to let me know your interested in seeing what happens next :) Anyways here it is!

Chapter 6

... Mirror, Mirror ...

Tom was joined by Mathew as he was walking to biology class. "You reckon you will be able to control your impulses at this school", he joked with a confused looking Tom. "Your English teacher at your last school, wouldn't want a repeat if you know what I mean,"

"Ohh of course not," Tom assured him finally catching on. As they walked into the classroom Tommy realised why Mathew was all of a sudden bringing this up. The teacher standing at the front of the room was beautiful. All she was doing was flipping through the pages of her textbook but Tommy couldn't take his eyes of her. He had always had a thing for teachers. But he had learned to curb his feeling's early on after he realised mixing work with pleasure always ended badly.

"Because I think we could have a good thing here, you and me", Mathew said trying to direct Tommys' attention away from Miss Sanderson. It seemed to work as he turned his attention back to Mathew resigning to the fact she was way out of his league anyway.

"Yer I was meaning to ask you about our plans for later this evening, is it still going ahead as planned?"

"Yep, relax McQuaid, I've got the meeting place and everything. Oh also you know I was thinking maybe we could catch a movie after or something? If you're free I mean?" Hanson tried to hide his surprise at the kids offer. Mathew was nothing like Tommy Mcquaid, a low life with an apparent drug problem and failing grades to match. Mathew on the other hand got good grades, had a group of good friends and came from a good family. And as far as Tom could see he seemed to try and keep his normal life separate from business. So Tom thought it a bit out of character of him to try and befriend him.

"I'd love to but maybe another time? I promised I'd help my brother our with something tonight,"

"Oh ok another time." he looked slightly disappointed but the rejection of his offer didn't seem to put him off. The pair continued to talk throughout the rest of the class. They talked about loads of things. About movies they both loved, who the hottest girl in school was much to Hanson's displeasure and even Mathews plans for the future. As corny as it sounded Mathew told him he wanted to make a 'real difference whether it in the world or just to one person'. But Hanson truly believed him. Tom let his guard down and despite his best judgement he talked as if he was himself. As they got to talking about their fathers the officer couldn't help but feel this kid was one of the few people who really understood how Tom felt. Understood how it was really hard to move on from such a random and senseless killing.

He found himself really enjoying Mathews company. He thought that in another world they would have been good friends. They had more in common than he and Penhall did, which wasn't that much of a surprise considering how much of an odd couple the partners were. "Why do you do this man" he spat out before he even realised what he was going to ask. "You're a good kid, from a good family," he paused as he realised how much his words reminded him of how people used to talk about him when he got into trouble at school about his temper. "I'm sorry man, it just doesn't make any sense?" he added after registering the look of pain on Mathews features. A look that revealed to Tom that Mathew cared about what others and in particular what Tom thought about him a lot more than he initially let on.

"I don't know I just needed the money, you know? Since dad died it's been really tough. I just need to save enough for college and then I'm out," Hanson surveyed Matts face only to be surprised by the longing and regret he saw in his eyes. "I would have thought you would be that last person to give me a hard time about this anyway Mcquaid,"

"Oh I was curious," he answered trying to laugh off the question realising how out of character it was. "Also It's important to always know your partners motives,"

"Oh, well in that case how about you tell me why do you do this?"

"Why not?" he returned in a dangerous but playful tone.

As the bell rang Hanson's' mind immediately returned to the case. His feelings about what he was going to have to do making him feel sick. Once again he had succeeded in getting a kid to trust and confide in him, knowing it was only a matter of time before he would break that trust and ruin the kid's life as he knew it.

He was getting real good at doing that. As he drove home that day he allowed himself to feel like the low life he knew he was. It felt good in a way like he was in a small way able to punish himself for the shit he was pulling yet again. He knew the pain he felt wasn't even close to the pain he had caused over the years but at least it was something. Because he was sick of telling himself the lame excuse that it was just part of his job. He just didn't think that was a good enough reason.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was 6 o'clock when they arrived at their destination. They had been following the directions given to them on a piece of paper that looked like it had been torn from an old scrapbook. It lead them to an empty car park that used to belong to a fast food restaurant that had closed down long ago. Probably due to the McDonalds that had been built a couple of blocks away. 'Man I could go for some fries right now' Tom thought desperately realising that his liquid dinner was not nearly filling enough as his stomach threatened to give him away.

They were sitting in Tom's mustang as another car approached. Hanson took note of the numberplate as he waited for directions about what to do from Mathew. Eventually they got out of the car as they were being approached by a man wearing a worn jacket, he had ratty brown hair and a face that looked as it had seen too many cold nights. He had one hand in his jacket pocket clutching what Hanson guessed was a gun. Instantly the officer recognised him as a classic example of a middle man who had probably got into the business through being a user himself. He would be an easily replaceable link in the chain and probably had no real standing in the business. Hanson also knew that these facts made him dangerous, as there would be little consequences for him if he lost his temper and wasted two irritating kids. He knew he would have to play it carefully. He moved his focus from the gun to the perps face, searching for any signs that he was ready to use it. However all the officer saw was a cocky grin that looked delighted for some fresh meat to scare, " Matty boy, you brought a friend,"

"Yer, he just transferred in and I thought he might be useful, he was a major dealer at his old school,"

"Your dealing skills ain't gunna be of much use to me boy" the man said now turning to Hanson. "Selling in schools is small time, were looking at the bigger picture,"

"And what might this bigger picture entail," the officer interrupted, trying to pry for information under the pretence of acting as a kid with an attitude problem.

"Not so fast there buddy, we've only just met and already you want to know all the intimate details of my business," he remarked sarcastically.

"Oh ok then, should I buy you a drink first?"

"Don't get smart with me," He said getting close enough that Hanson could now smell that the man obviously had little regard for personal hygiene. It took all his will power not to recoil as he knew it would be taken as a sign that he was intimidated.

"All you need to know is that a business man, like myself is just in it for the money, I plan on an early retirement. So if you boys play your cards right I might let you in on some more action." He said smirking at his own inflated sense of self-importance. Hanson had seen guys like these hundreds of times before, guys that had tried to sell him this same bullshit story. He knew he needed to push a little harder. He ignored Mathews warning glances and continued his attack.

"You know what, I think you're full of it, I think you're only telling us this to keep us happy, so we continue to do your dirty work hoping that one day you will throw us a some scraps. Meanwhile you just sit on your arse and get rich!" he spat,

"Listen here pretty boy, what makes you think its ok for you to come here on your first deal with me and tell me how to run my business?"

"What business man, I don't see nothin'," he retorted, hoping he sounded just the right amount of stupid.

"That's because you're nothing, you two are just idiots at the bottom of the food chain."

"And that's where you want us to stay, isn't that right?" At this the man started laughing, Mathew looked completely bewildered, but Tom knew they had won.

"Look, I'm so sorry, he really don't he doesn't mean any disrespect," Mathew interrupts trying to ease the tension.

"Oh but I do," Tom corrects him.

"You remind me of myself when I was your age, what's your name again, Tommy? Bright eyes already tainted with vices and I wonder if you have any blood on your hands yet boy?" Hanson didn't reply he just stared coldly back at the man in front of him. Mathew turned to Tom scared, as he seemed to finally occur to him the gravity of the fact that this boy he was getting close to, and was doing business with had seen the inside of a jail cell, had killed someone. He felt nervous and suddenly untrusting. He had forgotten this frightening detail days ago, their conversations had just seemed to flow so naturally. Something didn't seem to fit about Tommy Mcquaid. How could this boy who had talked so hatefully towards the man who killed his father, about any man who could so such a thing in such an emotionally and socially intelligent way, have himself murdered someone. It just didn't make sense. Mathew however dismissed his concerns deciding he had more pressing issues to worry about.

"I've got to respect any one brave enough to challenge me even if you are just a pretty boy."

There was the magic line. Tom had been playing on the fact that this guy would have a massively inflated ego. He knew that if he stroked it by making him think he was important enough in Tom's eyes to challenge he would bite. It paid off. Tom looked at Mathew, who seemed shocked, nervous and invigorated all at the same time. Mathew put his arm around Toms shoulder and lead him backwards towards their car.

"I'm up for it if you are Tom, I mean the quicker I can raise the cash I need the better. I like this guy's philosophy on early retirement if you know what I'm getting at?" He whispered and Tom nodded. As they turned back around he replied, "Yeah sure we're up for something more serious,"

"Good to hear it. In that case I'll be in touch regarding your payment and what we talked about tonight. If all goes to plan that is, and I expect it will go to plan because I don't think I need to remind you what will happen if it doesn't" he said threateningly as he pulled his gun out and aimed it as the two boys head one after the other mimicking him firing it each time. As real at the situation was Hanson could help but feel the need to laugh, this whole scene had reminded him way too much off a really bad day time cop drama.

With that the drugs were given to Mathew, both the boys quickly got back into the car and drove to the second location written down on the torn piece of paper. Once they arrived at what seemed to be another abandoned car park, they hid the coke in a tire as they were directed in the note and left. Presumable so the next person in line could pick it up anonymously.


	7. Chapter 7

**I know, I know, I'm sorry as soon as a made a commitment to making one update a day I broke it! Unfortunately I left my laptop charger (among other things) at my dads so my story was trapped on my computer with no charge :( I will be finished this before uni goes back though as otherwise I will never finish it. So hopefully people are still reading and enjoying! I' really happy with this chapter as well so hope you like!**

**Also disclaimer- still don't won anything although I wish I did! But thanks Stephen for creating such awesome characters :)**

Chapter 7

… Not in Neverland …

Early the next morning the officers had a meeting with Captain Fuller. "So the labs tell me the stuff you got from your meeting is the right stuff, it's the same drug so you boys are good to go. As for the numberplate it seems to be taking a little longer to trace. Now, tell me what else you got for me" he said getting straight into business as usual.

"Doing well, thanks for asking Cap'n," Doug remarked cheerfully.

"Give me a break Doug, I am not in the mood. It's taken you boys too long to get this one meeting,"

"But captain, we've only been at Grandvale for 4 days," Tom replied a bewildered look on his face.

"Well according to downtown that's 4 days too long,"

"Downtown is involved again, those guys wouldn't know how to catch a criminal if he tried to sell them dope in the middle of the mall," Penhall said as he laughed at his own bad joke.

"I know, I know but as funny as it is they are a pain in my backside and therefore I am going to be a pain in your backside until this is done."

"Well Captain I don't really have very much to tell you apart from the guy we talked to was obviously just a middle man, I think I convinced him we meant business, but I don't know how far that will take us I mean he's just a washed up junkie who probably has no real standing. Regards to who is at the top though all I know is that they're going to a lot of trouble to keep his identity a secret,"

"So how soon until you think we can organise another meeting with the next guy in line then?"

"That's the thing, I didn't even meet him. We were told to hide the coke in a tyre and drive away,"

"Hey what do you mean we, I wasn't even there, " Doug interjected.

"What? You are telling me you went without your partner?" Tom looked down unable to face what he knew would be the uncompromising eyes of Adam Fuller.

"I had no choice," he said knowing how weak it sounded.

"You could have insisted you wouldn't do it without your brother, seems pretty simple to me," the captain said as if Tom had just slapped him in the face.

"We were lucky he even let me come along,"

"And whose fault is that, Mr. I can't defend myself for 2 minutes when my partners not there," Doug remarked viciously.

"I'm not the one Mathew thinks is an airhead, you know you should try a little harder not to slip into yourself when undercover Douglas," Tom shot back, pissed off at the stab Doug had just had at him. It hurt more than he would ever let on.

"Captain, he got punched out by some hormonal adolescent!" Doug cried turning his captain for validation. All he got was a stare both the boys were way to familiar with for their liking.

"Well I've got other stuff to deal with, so when my officers decide to stop running around that god forsaken school like two children and actually do their jobs make sure someone lets me know. Thanks." The captain said no tolerance left in his voice.

The officers left the room swiftly, feeling like a scolded dogs. "I see where you get your sass from," Doug joked trying to ease the tension knowing the friends had both taken some low blows at each other.

"Just shut up," Hanson said tiredly, he was obviously not in a forgiving mood today. He walked straight into Penhall not even attempting to dodge him as he powered towards his desk.

Judy watched cautiously from behind her desk as her fellow officers argued. She was used to seeing the two best friends and partners bicker like an old married couple and knew it was always best to stay out of it and let them sort it out. She wasn't very good with conflict resolution between those two anyway.

She couldn't help but worry that this fight was different, although Penhall was his normal stroppy self, Hanson wasn't wearing his usual stubborn but indignant expression, instead he looked like he didn't give a shit, like he was willing to just surrender if it meant he would be left alone. She didn't like seeing him like that; she had grown to love the stubborn but fiery and passionate Tom. The way he was so particular about following the rules, rules that seemed to give him structure and something to believe in. Unless of course he was on a case where he believed there to be a great injustice or if there was a kid in distress. He would then proceed throw the rules out the window along with any regard for his own wellbeing, risking everything in order to close the case. She envied his ability to so whole heartedly believe that everything would be alright and that he would always be ok just because he was doing what he believed was the right thing. Because he was the good guy, be was a cop. She thought it naive of him, but she also admired him for it. However she hadn't see side of Hanson in a while.

Lately his messy brown hair and deep brown Bambi eyes had become more pronounced against his skin that seemed to look paler than ever. She wondered whether she was the only on to notice this as she knew she had the tendency to stare a little too long in his direction. She hoped she was just being overly observant as she continued to listen into the boy's conversation out of both worry and curiosity.

"Look I can see you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or something, but we need to talk about this case,"

"What about it, it's going fine,"

"Yeah, that's why we just had a super friendly conversation with Fuller," Doug spoke flatly leaving his frustration unmasked.

"Look why don't you just play the protective older brother and cut off my supply, tell him he Isn't to deal with me unless you're there, problem solved,"

"That's a good idea man, but that's not really what I want to discuss," Doug continued carefully, "I know this case has been tough on you and I can see your really getting on well with Mathew. I'm just worried you're getting a little too close to the whole thing?"

"I'm just doing our job, remember, get close to him so he will trust us, then let us in on his business," Tom said as condescendingly as he could.

"Tom we are going to talk about this whether you like it or not," Doug said with a slightly raised voice, quickly lowering after once he realised other people were looking over in interest.

"I'm sorry man, It's just he's a good kid, I just want to see if I can turn him. I don't want it to be like all the others you know, I won't let it." Hanson said deciding to give a little bit, seeing if this would get Penhall to drop it.

"What are you talking about?"

"You said it yourself Doug sending them away it just makes them worse, he Isn't a hard core criminal but he might come out as one," as he said this a wave of realisation flooded over Penhall, he knew exactly what Hanson as talking about, he gently touched his friend on the shoulder as he tried to reassure him.

"Tommy were not really after him remember, we want the guys at the top,"

"Yes, but you and me both know that he will get swept up in all the shit," as Tom said this forcefully his partner realised he could smell something on Toms breath. He pulled back completely astonished.

"Have you been drinking?"

"Yeah, what is it to you? I'm still over 21 the last time I checked." Doug was even more taken aback by Toms' complete honesty. Tom sat down in his chair lazily, seemingly bored with the conversation.

"You're also an undercover officer, on duty," he said dumfounded.

"Just getting into character," He smirked.

"Bullshit Tom, you know that's not funny and I know something is up with you!" He spat back in a loud whisper. Tom knew he wasn't going to get out of talking about this but he really didn't want to deal with it at that moment.

"I'm fine, Doug really", he said trying to ease Doug's concerns the words slipping far too easily from his lips.

"Don't lie to me Tom, you're drunk and it's not even nine in the morning," he said now clearly pissed off.

"I'm not drunk" he demanded clearly offended, "I just had trouble sleeping last night, couldn't turn off my brain, you know?"

"No I don't know Tom, this is so unlike you" he said almost to himself under his breath as he turned away and brought his hands to his face in disbelief. This triggered a reaction that Hanson couldn't control. Words came flying out of his mouth, sounding venomous as they left his lips.

"I'm sorry what were you saying? This isn't this like me, are my actions not in alignment with your perfect image of me? Is it not ok that I'm no longer that naive kid that first turned up at Jump Street, ready for you to take under your wing and teach the ways of the world. Is it not ok that I'm now capable of being corrupt and flawed all by myself? I'm sorry if that's the case, but Penhall but that stupid kid is no longer here so you're stuck with me… " the last sentence sounded like he was pleading, for what Doug had no idea. He just sat in shocked silence, Tom stopped as he saw the incredibly hurt look plastered on his friends face. "I'm so sorry Doug," he quickly added feeling incredibly guilty, "I didn't, you know I didn't mean that," at least he thought he didn't. He hated himself for allowing himself to get too emotional and know he didn't know how to take it back.

Tom tried to start some playful banter and flashed his partner his best smile. Doug was too stunned by what had just happened to convincingly participate in the antics probably put on for his benefit. As at that moment he had believed him, Hanson was right; the man he was looking at was no longer his best friend. He looked at the man in front of him and saw someone who was twisted and bitter. Someone who had no kindness or youthful spark left in his eyes. It frightened him to death. Penhall was used to Tom being the put together one of the two, he was usually the screw up. Even though Hanson had had his fair of share of reprimands for being out of line, Doug had never seen him this desperate, this out of control. Dog was scared for him, he needed Tom more than he would ever admit. Even to himself. So when he saw the Tom he knew return to the eyes of man who was standing in front of him he felt so thankful he just wanted to hug him. He instead allowed himself to be comforted by their usual banter and decided to let it go.

For now.

**Feel free to click that amazing review button :) It will make my day!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Here's the next update :) It will probably feel really short compared to the last two chapters but I hope it doesn't disappoint. I am currently working on the next chapter so hopefully I'll upload it late tomorrow :) **

**Disclaimer- Still don't own these beautiful characters or make any money from them. So I will try to get on with life even though I know I will never meet let alone 'own' Peter Deluise and Johnny Depp from the 80's/90's. Or even the 2014 versions, or them ever. Anyways... sorry for that minor breakdown, onwards we go! **

Chapter 8

… Bad dreams …

An angry Doug McQuaid burst through the front doors of Grandvale High. Kids cleared a path in front of him as he made a beeline for Mathew Benton who was leaving his homeroom class, blissfully unaware of the brother's approach.

"You and me need to have a chat," he spat with fake conviction.

"Because I have a problem, and I'm certain you're going to help me out." He continued coldly. Mathew leaned lazily onto the wall behind him, looking uninterested.

"You better listen up, I don't want you giving any of that shit you sell to Tom again, is that clear!" He roared as he placed his forearm across Mathew chest leaning hard into him. "Or I assure you, there will be consequences!".

"Why don't we let Tom decide what he wants, where is he by the way? We have some business to talk about," Mathew questioned managing to keep his voice calm. His eyes however darted around giving away his anxiety.

"Well why don't you talk business with me, because from now on I'll be accompanying you boys on your little trips anyway,".

"I would really like to know where Tom is, I'm sure he'd have something to say about this," Doug knew he was going to have to take this little show further so he loosened his grip momentarily only to shove him hard back into the wall, a little harder than he intended. He leaned in closer and continued to speak just loud enough for Mathew to hear.

"You don't get it do you, I'm not letting some low life dealer like you get my brother hooked on crack, acid, grass, whatever. I'm not going to let it happen, not again!"

"Fine, ok, just get the hell away from me!" He said hysterically sounding more like a little school girl than he had planned.

"When Tommy gets here both of you can meet me at the sports shed alright," he said regaining his composure

"I doubt he will be in today, you only have yourself to thank for that. So I suggest whatever you were planning to tell him you share with me and I will pass it on," Mat's face displayed his regret but as he continued he pushed any guilt from his mind and was soon wearing an arrogant smirk.

"Fine, tell him that whatever he was playing at, at our last meeting worked because we've got our self a meeting with the guy next up in line. We're moving onto bigger and better things, "

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The truth was Doug had told Hanson to go home and sleep off the alcohol still obviously in his system. So that night when he got home to his apartment he was relieved to not walk in and see Tom waiting for him.

He must have just gone home and gone to sleep as Doug had instructed. Otherwise he knew Hanson would have been there ready to either tell Doug what for, or apologise profusely. Doug wasn't ready to deal with either scenario. Emotionally and mentally drained he let himself fall into a heavy sleep on his couch.

It felt like he had only been out for minutes when he was awoken by a scratching at his front door. The strange noise was quickly proceeded by knocking to his great surprise.

"Who is it?" He said jumping upright suddenly.

"It's me, I can't find your spare key," came a muffled voice from behind his door.

"Who's me?"

"Hanson."

"Hanson?" He said groggily as he opened the door to see his partner on the other side. Cold air rushed in and he felt immediately more awake. Suddenly he felt embarrassed by his appearance and proceeded to wipe the spit from the corner of his mouth. He stopped midway through running his hand through his hair when he realised Hanson looked worse than he did. Eyes bloodshot, hair in a mess (more than usual), still in the clothes he had worn for the past two days. Doug ushered him inside.

"What's up buddy?"

"Nothing really, just a bad dream," he said plainly, feeling like a stupid little kid. Doug examined his partners face and knew he was lying; Tom looked like he hadn't got a minute of sleep in days. And you needed to be asleep to have dreams. But before Doug could question him any further, Hanson had proceeded to walk over to one of Doug's cupboards where he knew he would find a spare blanket and pillow.

"I'm sorry for waking you, really, go back to bed."

"Hanson we…" Doug started

"I'm really tired so if you don't mind I'm going to try and get back to sleep straight away," Hanson rambled and before Penhall could get a word in he was curled up on the couch closing his eyes.

Hanson knew he was getting away with doing this far too often. Doug bought his lies too readily. The problem was that the nightmares Hanson was having didn't go away when he woke up. But just being in the same apartment as someone else seemed to help. It seemed to help keep his mind occupied, preventing it from torturing him with thoughts of self-loathing. He knew staying at Doug's would mean he wouldn't need to drink in order to forget enough to get a half decent night's sleep.

He also knew he couldn't do it every night though. Doug was accommodating but he would get suspicious if he stayed over too often. He had chosen tonight as he needed to be clear for tomorrow. They were meeting with someone who would probably be key to their case. Tom couldn't let himself, Mathew and especially Doug down by being hung over or completely sleep deprived. Yes, this meant he had convinced himself it was okay to be wrecked on a normal day that he didn't consider so important to his case. He knew he had let his standards slip and that his pride was already tarnished but tomorrow he had decided he wouldn't let himself endanger others because he was selfish enough to want to escape from his guilt at the bottom of a bottle, when obviously he deserved to feel it.

He cleared his mind of these worries and allowed himself to drift off calmly into sleep as he knew tonight he was safe from his own punishing thoughts and he was too tired to worry about anything else.

Doug watched on as his partner struggled to fall to sleep obviously dealing with an internal conflict. As he saw Tom's shoulders relax he decided he couldn't hold off sleep any longer and retreated into his room for the night.

**Feel free to leave a review, good or bad :) Always nice to know people are reading. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry this took longer than I anticipated :( Kind of wrote myself into a hole regarding the case side of the story. But I've fixed it now I'm pretty sure and am excited see it unravel slowly. Also I hope there aren't to many grammatical or spelling errors as I'm super tired but just really want to put it up tonight! So I hope people are still following the story and enjoying :) Don't forget to leave me any of your thoughts in a review!**

Chapter 9

... Peperoni Pizza ...

The next morning Doug was woken up from a heavy sleep by his alarm. He rolled over in his bed bargaining with the universe to make it not 7:30am but maybe 7:23am so he would be able to have a few more minutes of blackness. After he realised his attempts were ridiculous and that if he didn't get up soon he would most likely be late, he rolled off his bed ungracefully. He stumbled out into his lounge room to see Tom still sleeping peacefully on his couch. Peacefully wasn't really the best way to put it, Tom's state was better likened to someone who had been knocked out cold in a bar fight. He was scarily still and his slight frame looked as if it was placing great strain on the couches padding.

Doug smiled and decided he would let him sleep in a little considering how wrecked he looked yesterday. He left the lounge room and went about his morning routine. He started by waking Clavo and getting him into the shower, he was reluctant as always but became immediately more animated when he saw Tommy was over. After Clavo was done Doug showered also. Not wanting to use all the hot water, he cut short the only time in his day he got to his enjoy own company and embrace the marvellous silence that was only occasionally interrupted by his private thoughts. He dressed and walked out to the kitchen to prepare some cereal only to be surprised by the delightful smell of bacon and eggs.

"You told me Tommy couldn't cook," remarked Clavo innocently, as he eagerly cut up his breakfast.

"Well jury is still out, little man. He could poison us yet," Doug said playfully, hoping to get a bite out of Hanson seeing as he was in such a good mood.

"I'd watch it if I were you, I'm good at burning things when I get distracted," he said amused, unable to feign a hostile glare. Hanson knew the best way to avoid any talk of yesterday was to be in a good mood. Penhall would likely then leave any serious talk that had the potential to darken Hanson's mood for a later date. And beside he felt terrible about the way he had treated his friend over the last week and wanted to make it up to him. This morning Tom felt genuinely cheerful anyway so he didn't even have to pretend.

"And besides I'm loads better than you! You're culinary expertise starts and ends with ordering pizza over the phone," he teased pointing at the fridge which Doug knew was full of left over Chinese takeaway.

"Clavo loves Chinese and pizza, don't ya," Doug said patting him on the back jovially. "And you never complain when I bring leftovers to work!" he said becoming defensive.

"I'm just teasing, don't sweat it Penhall," he said playfully as he whipped into his hands the tea towel that was sitting on his shoulder and dried the imaginary beads of sweat of his friends forehead.

"Alright then next time me and Clavo have pepperoni pizza you can forget about me bringing you some!".

"Pep…Pepperoni?" Tom faltered looking distraught.

"That's harsh papa!" Clavo interrupted looking more distraught than Tom. Both the men laughed childishly.

As Penhall embraced Clavo in one of his bear hugs lifting him from the hair onto the floor, Tom quickly took the eggs of the heat as he realised in a panic he had in fact burned them. He tried to cover it up but Clavo and Doug were already laughing at him as he burnt his fingers trying to save the bacon from a similar fate.

"Oh shut up!" he returned lamely, in a more pleasant tone than he was aiming for. A smile evident in his voice.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They were on the final stretch of their journey to school after dropping Clavo at day care and stopping by Jump Street. Both of them were avoiding the elephant in the room and as usual they ended up discussing their case.

"I bet you $100 the guy we are after, is the one who picks up the cocaine were we hid it in the tire," Tom said confidently.

"What makes you say that?" Doug said not convinced but also not so sure Hanson was wrong that he wanted to risk $100.

"I just think it's curious that such extreme procedures have been put in place to keep this guy's identity a secret, it is like he wants as few people to know who he is as possible,"

"Or she Hanson, let's not be sexist! Women can be scumbags too, if they so desire," Tom chuckled as he rolled his eyes and continued explaining his thought process.

"The guy I met with the other day doesn't even know who he is working for. He just supplies these dumb kids with his product. Who they pick because they are young, scared and will obediently do as there told and dump the crack, no questions asked,"

"Meaning he doesn't have to meet with anybody who would likely rollover on him in a second if they needed to save their own skin," Doug followed on. Both the men were now smiling at their brilliant deductive skills.

"Exactly, and it's just there ready for him to pick up,"

"Easy as ordering take away pizza," Doug said to himself shaking his head in awe and disgust simultaneously.

"Then he is free to distribute it as he pleases. Probably using a similar 'production line' type set up. I bet he has hundreds of kids at hundreds of schools running coke for him,"

"But what I don't get if he is such a big time dealer, why doesn't he just buy in bulk, you know cut out all his middle men? Go straight to the source?" Tom himself had been contemplating the same thing. "It seems like a lot more effort this way,"

"I suppose he does it because this way if he is linked to one of his little operations he will only do time for that one crime. So we can't prove that he is connected to hundreds of other

"It's a perfect set up," Doug stated replying to Tom's silence.

"It's disgusting Doug, while he sits on his ass getting rich he ruins how many kid's lives? Would that even occur to him? I don't get how he could live with himself knowing that?" Tom said becoming upset suddenly.

"People like that Tom, they know exactly what they're doing but they don't care. They make calculated business decisions and to them their own wealth far outweighs anyone else's wellbeing,"

"I know," he says slightly defeated.

"Remember though these kids aren't completely innocent. They willingly participate in an illegal activity," Penhall said as if he was reciting something he had told himself over and over trying to convince himself it was true.

"I just don't think that a foolish decision at such a young age should ruin the rest of their lives,"

"Sometimes getting caught and facing their punishment is the best thing for them," with that comment Tom shot Doug a look that showed how untrue he thought that to be. Doug had a hard time disagreeing also. But he was once again amazed at his partners amazing ability to empathise so deeply with their suspects. An relaxed silence descended upon the partners as they both became lost in their own thoughts. The silence was broken when they pulled into the school parking lot.

"Stop thinking Doug, you're going to blow our cover!" Doug turned to Tom utterly confused.

"You look far too understanding and wise," Tom continued prompting a laugh from his partner.

"What about you, looks like you were about to discover the way to solve world hunger,"

"That's ok though I'm allowed to look mysterious and distracted, I carry a gun remember. People are scared of me no matter how I look."

Penhall rolled his eyes as Hanson pushed him playfully out of the car. The pair walked into the school their reluctance evident not only in their expressions but in the speed of their walk. They knew they had a long day of boring classes ahead before they would get to do any real police work. They looked at each other, both silently hoping that by the end of today they will have made some real ground on their case.


	10. Chapter 10

**This is another long one for you guys :) Hope you enjoy! In this chapter we have some McQuaid fun as well as some progress with their case and we also get inside Penhall's head a little. Next chapter we will be back inside Hanson's head I promise! Looking forward to writing chapter 11 yay :) **

******Also again its super late and I am super tired so I apologise for any potential spelling and grammar errors.**

**Also to the guest reviewer (Sed)- Thankyou so much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you're enjoying it. And yes I promise I have lots of Hanson darkness planned and partially written that I am super excited about sharing, so I hope you stay with me, it will be worth it I promise :) **

Chapter 10

… Not always what it seems …

The McQuaid brothers had just finished torturing their Biology teacher, a favourite past time of theirs. Just as they delighted in standing up for the little guys who got picked on by the school bullies they quite enjoyed expanding the sometimes small minds of their teachers. Challenging their perceptions about the kids they had written off as bad eggs. Forcing them to revaluate their world views. Today Mr. Keens had decided to try and embarrass the boys seeing as they hadn't done their homework as usual. Not that the McQuaids were easily embarrassed. Today however the brothers managed to turn the tables and embarrass Mr. Keens, a teacher they had heard had a reputation for shaming kids he had a disliking for.

"Question nine Tommy, can you help me out?" Toms head snapped to the front as he was ungraciously startled from his contemplation on why on earth Doug had kept Toms state the other day to himself.

"What? Don't you know the answer? You're meant to be the teacher. You're meant to tell us all about this science shit," The best thing about using the McQuaid cover was that they didn't have to bother keep up their grades or pay attention in class. However this often back fired on them as teachers like Mr. Keens were constantly harassing the officers trying to prove to their classes what hot hots they were. I'll show this idiot thought Hanson.

"Yes McQuaid, but unlike you two the rest of the class and myself have already completed the homework. I just wanted to make sure that since you thought you were already too smart to do it, that you do in fact know the answers."

"Oh ok then, in that case I will help you out,"

"Tell us then Tom, what is the formula for photosynthesis," Tom got up and wrote his answers messily on the board.

He then turned threw the chalk onto the ledge where he had found it and walked over to the teacher's desk and proceeded to sit on it crossing his legs, grinning cheekily.

"Mr Keens was smiling widely also, "You have written, 6CO2+ 6H2O →C6H12O6+ 6O2,"

"Don't forget that you need light and chlorophyll sir," he interrupted mockingly.

"Even so your answer is incorrect I am afraid. You have missed a product Mr. McQuaid. But well done for trying. Frankly I'm surprised you even know how to write let alone know half of this equation. Maybe Douglas can help you out with your mistake though?" he said sure the other dopier McQuaid would be easier to make a fool out of.

"I would help him sir but he already wrote the right answer," at this comment the teacher laughed and wrote the correct answer on the board verbalizing what he wrote. "6CO2 + 12H2O → C6H12O6 + 6O2 + 6H2O,"

"Well yes sir that answer is also correct," Doug continued in a patronizing tone, Tom rose from his relaxed position on the front desk and took the chalk from Mr. Keens hand and proceeded to cross out parts of the teachers equation, Doug spoke for him "You see the equation can be simplified accounting for net water consumption,"

Tom handed the chalk back to the teacher who looked completely taken by surprise, giving him a wink before returning to his seat.

"Now if you don't mind I would really appreciate if we got back to going through the homework sheet because as you pointed out earlier I didn't get a chance to do it at home and would really appreciate it if the class would continue sharing their answers with me," Tom said smirking as he lifted his legs up onto the table in front of him, obviously not about to write down anything anyone had to say in his non-existent exercise book.

"We wouldn't want to miss anything that might be on the test sir." Doug said as he too assumed a position that displayed his disinterest with the class, slouching forward on his desk. The classed laughed as Mr. Keens went and sat back down on his desk looking slightly flustered.

"Yes onto question 10, ah Jamie what did you get down?".

Half an hour later as the class was silently reading through a chapter of the text book or in the McQuaids case catching up on some sleep the bell sounded. Evn though the brothers may not have been paying attention they were still the quickest out of their seats and out the door. Unfortunately as they were just about to reach freedom for the day Mr. keens called them back into class.

He waited until everyone left before having a stern word with the brothers, "You too need to smarten up, your attitudes may get you through high school but it won't get you very far in the real world. So I honestly don't know what you are playing at because it's clear to me that you are both far more intelligent than you lead everyone to think."

"Maybe we're just sick of teachers like you telling us we are worthless and are going to go nowhere in life." Hanson returned staring directly into the teachers eyes. "So we just decided it would be much easier on everyone if we just believed it and started living up to peoples high expectations of us," Tom was thrilled to see the surprised but impressed look in Mr. Keen's eye. The short silence that followed further proved to Tom this teacher felt confronted by his honesty. He hoped maybe in the future he would think back to this encounter, he hoped he had changed this one teachers approach to kids like him.

"You are obviously both smarter than that. But if you are adamant on proving me wrong by insisting on throwing away your only opportunity to get an education, please refrain from doing it in my classroom. I won't put up with it again. You may leave now."

With that the men both left the classroom and headed for the student parking lot where they had planned to meet Mathew.

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"Took you long enough, come on lets go we don't want to be late," Mathew said slightly flustered.

"We're exactly are we going" Doug asked as the three got into Hanson's car.

"That fast food joint across from the cinema," Mathew replied regaining his composure.

The rest of the car trip continued in silence. Mathew sat in the passenger seat and was obviously mentally preparing himself for the coming meeting. Doug sat in the back seat and found himself examining his partner from the corner of his eye. Tom stared out the front window making, he made all the right adjustments for the road and traffic that they met but it was obvious his thoughts were far away. Doug saw every now and then him shake his head or cringe like he was taking part of a conversation that no one could here but him.

Doug's mind also drifted, as be began contemplating the dispute he had with a tipsy Hanson at the chapel and whether he should have told Fuller. Every time he went through the reasons for and against telling his Captain he decided against it. He was certain it wasn't some sort of desperate cry for help. 'Was it?' and he couldn't stand the thought of Fuller being furious with Tom, even though he knew he had the right to be! Hell, Penhall was furious. But he knew Fuller wouldn't have been able to forgive Hanson so easily. He would have taken him off this case for sure and Doug knew Hanson wouldn't be able to accept that.

Also Tom needed a friend, Penhall didn't want to risk pissing him off and leaving him with no one to talk to and no place to go when he couldn't sleep at home. As Ioki was working through his own problems and Tom had confided in Doug previously that he had never felt comfortable discussing his issues with Judy. Or as he had described it 'waving his insanity in her face'. Doug suspected this had something to do with his suspicion that Tom had a crush on her since he started working at the chapel. He had never admitted it to him but Doug was sure of it. So apparently was the rest of the office, with Sal having taken numerous bets about who would make the first move. Penhall had been lucky enough to get some long odds by betting on Jude, as he knew his partner better than anybody. He knew Tom's bravado was all for show and when it came down to it he would be too shy and too honorable to actually come onto her. Doug could tell Tom thought that she was too good for him. It saddened him to think Hanson thought so little of himself but he knew there was nothing he could do to change the way Tom felt. So he had let the issue be.

They had finally arrived after battling with the traffic for 15 minutes. While getting out of the car Doug had decided for the 3rd time that day that he had made the right decision regarding whether he should tell his captain. 'He's going to be fine" he thought, reminding himself that Tom had in fact been in a good mood all day.

They walked into the Lily's All You Can Eat Buffet and immediately spotted their target, due to how out of place he looked surrounded by parents with prams and cute elderly couples who were all preoccupied with their food. They headed straight over to sit with him, Penhall making a short pit stop for a plate of spring rolls.

"What?" he demanded when he saw Tom staring at him disapprovingly "I paid fifteen bucks to get in here and well, I'm hungry,"

"You're always hungry McQuaid," Mathew said verbalising what Tom was thinking as the three boys sat down at the mystery man's table. Both officers did their usual surveillance of the suspect without realising. Committing to memory his average height, brown eyes, light beard and mid length black hair that had a few greying streaks.

"Excellent! Young and dumb just the way I like 'em," the man said at the blank stairs and silence he was receiving. "I'm Gordon," he said before waiting for the boys to introduce themselves.

"Well ok, let's get down to it then since you guys obviously love small talk," he said in reply to more silence. "My friend told me you were up for some more work?"

"You heard correctly then," Doug said in confirmation.

"Excellent because the last guys I had working for me I had to dispose of, they were far too nosy for their own good. So when I heard there were some more high school kids looking for some action I knew my business wouldn't have to suffer for long."

"Yep we are your boys" answered Mathew this time. The officers glanced at each other slightly confused. Something about this guy didn't seem right. He may have been saying all the right things but he seemed way to open and way to friendly.

"I trust you already know how it works," he said eyeing Hanson cautiously beckoning him to speak next and break his silence.

"Well not really, we haven't been told any details as of yet. Do you want to elaborate for us?" Penhall responded trying to pry for some details.

"Wow he really is thick," he said with a laugh gesturing towards Penhall, he quickly turned serious again when he realised no one was laughing with him. "You pick up the product from me and drop it where you are told, no different from what you have been doing." Mathew was surprised at what Gordon was proposing but still seemed perfectly happy to go along with it, but he saw that the McQuaids were not impressed.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Tom said honestly exasperated. Firstly he was pissed off that they had been fooled but mostly he was seething at the fact he had wasted a trip to Doug's and his good night's sleep on this idiot.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, sit back down," Gordon said irritated and nervous about the scene Tommy was creating.

"Shut up, I don't have to listen to you. You're just another low life that wants to use us! " He said controlling his initial anger and funnelling his frustration into an argument that would be useful to their case. "We don't want to deal with you, were not okay with taking another step sideways, let's go," he said forcefully. Mathew got up immediately while Doug pouted and shoved his mouth full of spring rolls before strutting out behind Tom.

As they left the diner Doug was expecting Gordon to call them back and promise he would help them meet his boss, as he assumed that was what Tom was hoping for. Doug had taken the same approach on numerous occasions and it had brought him much success. However when they were allowed to leave in peace the officers knew Gordon would be of no use to them. They knew the reason he didn't call them back over wasn't because he was too loyal to his boss but because he didn't know who his boss was.

Even though the afternoon was not as fruitful as they had hoped they were greatful that at least they had been able to confirm the theory they had formed about their case. With that small victory under their belts they allowed themselves to enjoy the evening and agreed to see a movie with Mathew. Afterwards they revisited the all you can eat buffet for dinner. It was after everyone's third plate of rather ordinary and very greasy food that Mathew suggested next time they have a job they try their luck and ambush whoever picks up the drugs where they leave them. Tom and Doug took some convincing but after some bickering they realised it was the best and only way they could think of to make sure they met with someone of importance. As, as much as they loved the McQuaids both of them were very ready to hang up there bandanas for at least the next 6 months.

**Thoughts ? :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**So I got super excited about and carried away with ideas for the upcoming chapters and couldn't bring myself to write this one, so I apologise for its delaydness and its shortness. Anyways I hope you guys are still keen to find out what happens next and are still enjoying :)**

**Still don't own anything sadly, but only because writers block had stopped me from finishing the writing of my plan to kidnap all of the characters haha, I kid, I kid )**

Chapter 11

… Ground hog day …

Hanson awoke once again, startled by a dream he could no longer recall. He rolled over and looked at his alarm clock which told him it was 7:00am. He sat up only to be assaulted by a splitting headache, 'this is happening far too often' he thought as he climbed out of bed, again unable to remember the night before. He did however manage to remember that Doug was coming over tonight so on his way to the kitchen he picked up some of the rubbish that littered his floor, he saw regretfully that his collection of rubbish mainly consisted of empty bottles as threw them in the trash. He put some toast in the toaster and continued to try and clean up his apartment. But even his hung over self, had to admit he was doing a poor job. 'Fuck it' he thought as he dropped the bag of rubbish and instead turned his attention to the toast that had just risen. He buttered it before leaning over the kitchen bench to take a bite. It tasted like cardboard, it was dry in his mouth and he struggled to swallow it. Without thinking he grabbed the half empty bottle of beer that was within an arm's reach and finished it in one go to wash down his breakfast. He caught himself for a moment, 'You're getting far too good at that Tommy' he thought a little concerned at his new talent for sculling warm beer.

He buried a nagging, guilty feeling as he threw the rest of his toast in the bin and headed into his bathroom. He looked into the mirror for the first time in a few days and remembered why he had been avoiding his own reflection. "God" he said out loud without really realising. He stared at himself a little longer severely disappointed in the scary stereotype he had let himself become.

He recalled a time, when he first started at Jump Street that he was quite confused about why Fuller was constantly selecting him for all the drug dealing cases. But now, as he forced himself to look in the mirror and analyse his slim frame, dark hair that shadowed his dark eyes, both of which contrasted his fair complexion and he saw it, he saw how he easily pulled off the look of a drug addict. He laughed a pathetic laugh as he thought it to be truer today more than ever before. Which was handy he thought, as he needed his best 'game face' for today. He sighed, brushed his teeth, got changed and headed off to work. This time not even bothering to comb his hair with his hands.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"What the fuck was that all about yesterday?", a pissed off man shouted at the three boys who had been waiting in the same car park they had met the man a few days earlier.

"My friend was not at all impressed with your attitudes, tells me if he ever see's any of your insolent faces again he'll make sure you don't see another day,"

"Funny, he seems a lot braver when someone else talks for him," Hanson remarked.

"Shut your cocky little mouth pretty boy, before I shove something in it that will leave you unable to speak," he said threateningly, the double meaning not lost on Hanson. He shivered fighting off memories he didn't have time to deal with at that moment. Doug didn't appreciate the man in front of them whose name they still didn't know, reducing his friend to a shadow of himself. Even if it was only for a second.

"Don't talk to him like that you piece of shit," Doug retorted cruelly, realising how pathetic it sounded but unable to think of anything else to say.

"What a first impression you make, such a way with words you have, doesn't matter though your choir boy looks make up for what you lack in intelligence,"

"Leave him out of this," Hanson said quickly seeming to suddenly awaken from his strange trance. He didn't remember this guy being such a creep last time they met. He thought maybe he was putting it on to freak them out, but he couldn't be sure.

"But he already is in it, yesterday was the first I hear of him and well as far as I can see everything was going fine until he came into the picture," he said as moved his gun until it was firmly pressing into the flesh on Doug's left temple.

"If you hurt him then you can forget about us helping you," Hanson said calmly even though his heart was beating so hard he was sure someone would see his whole body pulsating.

"You're just lucky I like you," he smiled crookedly as he withdrew his hand and placed the gun back in his pocket. "Or this meeting would have ended very differently," he quickly pulled out his hand again, startling an already tense Doug. Everyone was relieved to see a bag of white powder flying across through the air into the arms of Doug, not a bullet.

"Catch ya on the flip side." the man laughed evilly striding away.

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Just like the last time, they had dumped the drugs where they had been told to by the all-knowing piece of torn paper that was delivered to them earlier. However unlike last time when they got back into Hanson's car to drive away, they didn't really drive away.

"I wonder how long they wait until they…." Mathew's nervous question was interrupted by a man in a black van pulling up where they had been parked moments ago. Once they saw him open the van door the threesome new that the plan they had been talking about was about to be put into action. However when they got out of the car the officers saw the face of the suspect and immediately recognised him. Mathew didn't notice his partner's hesitation and continued walking up to the man in question. The officers however were frozen and exchanged a look that simply put said, 'what the fuck are we going to do?'

**Thoughts? Maybe you could tell me your favourite or least favourite bits so far so I know what stuff you guys like and want me to write more of? :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**We're getting there :) Some essential case stuff, not sure how I feel about it but want to put it up so I can get on with the next two chapters which I'm really excited about writing :) I hope you enjoy and feel free to leave me any thoughts in a review :) **

Chapter 12

The man in front of them, about to pick up the drugs they had dropped was none other than former Captain Trent Lawrence. A decorated and highly respected former police captain, who had had a hand in training every police officer who had been through the academy.

The minds of the undercover officers raced as they tried to come up with a way to get through this unrecognised. They knew they needed to act quickly as Mathew was still heading head first into danger. They knew they couldn't arrest him straight away as they needed hard evidence that proved he was in fact involved and how deep he was involved. They knew if they busted him now he would easily talk his way out of it, say they were just some overly eager undercover kiddie cops desperate for a big bust.

Hanson made a snap decision to follow Mathew into the near darkness. Penhall stood back astonished, hoping desperately Tom knew what he was doing. He obediently stayed by the car, just as Hanson's eyes had beckoned him to. Ready to get back up if everything went to shit.

Tom was sure this guy wouldn't recognise him. It might have been an arrogant move but he was so sure he wouldn't. He had grown up considerably in his few short years at Jump Street. He barely even recognised himself. A combination of maturity and Police field work had filled out his lanky frame and his now unkempt hair was nothing like it had been, he considered as he was forced to brush it out of his eyes thus proving his point. His eyes were also different. He detested the similarities he saw between his eyes and the eyes of the men he went to prison with as well as so many of the people he had busted. He knew others saw it in his eyes too, saw he questioned his choices, saw he was no longer an innocent kid that thought he could save the world. Even if the former captain recognised Tom's face, he knew that if he looked into Hanson's eyes he would see it wasn't him. As the Tom Hanson that was those 5 years ago, was no longer.

Finally after what felt like the longest 20m walk ever, the two arrived at the man's van, Tom cleared his throat to make their presence known as the man bending down stashed thhe coke they had hid into his pocket.

"Don't flatter yourselves, I knew you were waiting for me, you must know I'm not that thick boys. Or maybe you're that thick." He said with his back still turned. For once Tom let Mathew take the lead as he tried to blend into the background. He realisied that the ex-cop had only let himself be so exposed because he didn't see the teenagers as a real threat. He therefore also realised that if he _made_ Hanson they were all in deep shit. He suddenly regretted his brash decision of storming after Mathew.

"Good system you got going here," Mathew said ignoring the insult that had been directed at the boys.

"Nice you think so, but you don't know the half of it," he said smirking as he finally turned to face them. He looked surprised for a brief moment, as if he was expecting someone else to be standing there.

"Well, why don't you show us then, because we were sick of those scum dealers using us. We know we can be of more use so we decided to tell it to someone who would listen,".

"What makes you think I'm going to listen?"

"Because you're smart, and smart people are always willing to consider new and innovative ideas," Mathew was playing on Lawrence's ego just like he had seen Tom do previously. He was such a smart kid Tom smiled as he felt himself swell with pride. The feeling however was quickly replaced with shame as he realised how sick it was to feel proud of teaching someone how to manipulate someone else.

"I disagree, I think it would be smarter of me to get the three of you out of my way right now," he said suddenly becoming more irate. Tom looked clearly frazzled when he realised he had referred to three of the men, "That reminds me, I've been meaning to ask where your brother is McQuaid,".

'This guy knew too much, how did he know who they were? Thought Doug hopelessly as he heard the ex-officer yelling for him.

"Why didn't you ask him to come over? It's very rude of you to not to introduce him to us," he said as three intimidating men got out from the back of the car. 'Shit' thought Hanson 'Was not expecting that'. Everything had gone downhill, very quickly.

The man waved his gun around like it was nothing as he pointed at one of his men to go retrieve Doug. Hanson still kept quiet his earlier confidence that he would not be recognised had almost completely diminished. He looked on uncomfortably as Doug was dragged over by one of Lawrance's lackies. He had obviously put up a fight as his knuckles were red and swollen. It was also obvious he had lost, but whether he was defeated willingly Hanson couldn't be sure. In either case Tom was strangely relieved to see that his face was unrecognisable.

Lawrence raised his voice as he continued, "Now boys, tell me what the fuck you were thinking when you decided it was a good idea to disobey my direct orders!"

"Honestly we were thinking since you're direct orders were written on an old napkin they could be seen more as guidelines," Mathew retorted quickly.

'Oh god just shut up' thought Tom. This was not time for sass, it was apparent Mathew was not so great at reading a situation. His comment was met with a forceful slap across the face from Lawrence's pistol. He fell momentarily to the ground, 'oh for fuck sake' mouthed Hanson. He could feel his thoughts were becoming more desperate and scrambled, he knew he was going to have to step in.

"Come on man, what's your problem? Why won't you let us help you out? We could be a big help! Because what you've got at the moment it's great but we were talking about it yesterday and what if you set up a bunch more like this, more kids, more schools more dealers, more money, " Hanson knew he would love to hear his own genius talked back at him just as much as a teacher loved to hear you quote them in an essay.

"Just give us a chance man, were willing to do anything,"

Lawrence stared into the eyes of the teenage delinquent in front of him. At first something had put him off about this kid, he had a strange nagging feeling that left him unable to reply. But as the kid looked into his eyes all he saw was desperation and hunger, this kid was pleading with him. 'He may just have what it takes' he thought as he laughed.

This reaction caught Hanson off guard, he immediately feared the worst, he knew he had been recognised, it was over.

Lawrence pulled Hanson closer with the hand he had now wrapped around Tom's shoulder and neck. He then brought his own forehead to rest on Tom's. "Come on man!" Tom pleaded again his desperation obvious.

"You arrogant little shit," he said cruelly.

"It's all over' Tom thought, 'this is it' he felt every fibre on his body stand on end. His heart was beating fast even though time seemed to be suspended in the thickness and importance of the moment that was about to come.

"Remember this moment Tommy! Because when your 40, rich, sitting on some beach with your trophy wife on your arm I want you to remember the man who gave you your start!" Lawrence smiled at the completely bewildered boy in front of him. "This moment right here is the start of a beautiful partnership," Lawrence was still staring intently into Tom's eyes before he pulled him into an awkward hug. Tom's body remained tense. He saw Doug's expression of absolute confusion show signs of relief and so he allowed himself to feel some of it too.

After he was released he stood there still completely baffled as to how he had managed to fool him, how the hell did this highly intelligent and master manipulator ex-cop fall for his desperation? 'I'm obviously better at putting up walls than I thought' was the reasoning that occurred to him. Because all he could see when he was staring into that man's eyes was the kindness they had once shown a young Tom.

He was transported to a day in the academy when he was finding it particularly hard to ignore the absence of his father. He recalled thinking that the Captain had an amazing ability to see past the walls Tom had put up over the years. This man could see through his eyes into his mind, see the desperation he felt about needing to live up to his Dad's memory as well as the hunger he had for revenge. Both these things the Captain had told him would make him a great cop. The time he had taken to speak with Tom had meant so much at the time. So Tom didn't understand how Lawrence was not also consumed by the memories of their shared past. He supposed it just hadn't mean as much to him.

"So you're telling me you do want our help?" he questioned cautiously.

"Yeah well, I'll have to talk to the boss first," he said a tad uncomfortably, "But he trusts my judgment so it should be fine," a knowing smile crept onto his lips. "Alright then, we better let these boys get home to do their homework" he said to his men laughing as they all got into the car to drive away. The one who had captured Doug dropped him uncaringly to the floor before leaving. Mathew and Hanson rushed over to him. Tom quickly realised he was playing up his injuries in order to avoid being focused on and hence recognised.

"You had me scared sick Doug!" Hanson said feeling incredibly guilty that Doug's wellbeing really hadn't crossed his mind until just then.

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They had dropped Mathew home and were on the way back to Hanson's apartment with some Pizza when they started arguing.

"What the fuck is up with you?" Hanson yelled.

"Oh Just having some trouble dealing with the fact in the last two hours I've had a gun held to my head and saw my partner walk off on some sort of suicide mission," he yelled just as loudly back trying to ignore the fact Tom's mouth was now just as accustomed to such curses as Doug's, if not more so.

"What? Doug McQuaid isn't afraid of a little violence now is he?" Hanson taunted no softness in his voice.

"Grow up Hanson," Doug said, now sounding bored and tired. He knew his friend's good mood the day before had been too good to last.

"Don't bother come over tonight," Hanson returned in an equally as tired tone.

"Why not? So you can sit in a dark apartment and drink your problems away?" Tom couldn't deny it. That's what he was going to do, he really hated how pathetic it sounded when Doug had said it out loud though. But if he was honest he didn't care because he really just wanted to be left alone. And more than that he really wanted a drink and he had noticed that over the last few days Penhall had been avoiding drinking around him. Like he didn't want to encourage the alcoholic or something. Tom knew tonight would be the same. But it had been such a long day and he didn't want to be sober anymore. He didn't care how pathetic it was, he just wanted to get hammered and pass out in front of some terrible late night television. So he ignored Doug's question and the subsequent scoffs he made at Hanson's silence and drove him home. Not even breaking his muteness to say good bye.


	13. Chapter 13

**So I'm really, really sorry about how long this took! The internet at my mums ran out so I was just going to wait until I went to my dads to post this but for some reason the wifi wasn't working at his place either :S So much frustration haha but anyways I worked out how to tether my phone to my laptop and use its internet yay. So I'll upload the three chapters I've finished, I hope you like them! I enjoyed writing them at least . They aren't perfect but I think I'll just have to read over all my stuff again after I'm done!? I'm finding it hard to edit stuff immediately after I've written it! Does anyone esle find that?**

**Anyways I hope it was worth waiting for and that people are still keen to see where this goes/ are still reading :)**

Chapter 13

… The Reason …

Over the next week the officers went to school during the day and worked for Lawrence at night. They were trusted with simple tasks such as delivering the 'magic' slips of paper that connected the dealers to the high schoolers. Although it was boring it meant they got an understanding of the full scale of his operation. The mundaneness had done nothing to ease the tension between the partners and had worsened Tom's mood. Even though Penhall had thought that to be impossible. On a positive note though from what they saw, they were certain that when they caught this guy he was never going to see the outside of a jail cell again. But no matter how hard they pushed for information about who he was working for the ex-captain always managed to avoid giving them any real information. The little progress they had made left them nervous about talking to their captain. As they knew that downtown would want to see some busts by now and that they would be pestering Fuller. Tom and Doug knew they had nothing but excuses to give their Captain and were hence about to feel the full force of Adam Fullers wrath.

"That's the last I have to say about the issue, now get out and get back to work!" came the booming voice of Captain Fuller. The officers left his office and entered a deserted room; due to everyone having had left for the school day.

"What was that about?" Doug said turning immediately to his partner as Hanson sat down at his desk.

"What do you mean, you're the one that didn't back me up!" he responded instantly becoming infuriated at the question.

"You know arresting everyone we know to be involved is the next move! And if it was any other case you would be fine with it,"

"So you are telling me that you are perfectly fine with ruining this kid's life just so we can wrap up our case a few weeks earlier?" Doug scoffed at this typical Tom like remark.

"He'll get over it! It's not like he's gunna get life in prison Hanson,"

"No but we will condemn him to a life of people seeing him differently, he will labelled as no good. It will follow him around forever." Doug still looked at Tom with unfeeling eyes, so Hanson continued to try and get through to him. "Do you remember that kid who we busted for break and enter? Do you remember what he did Doug?"

"Yeah, he shot himself with a hunting rifle," Doug retorted matter of factly. Tom knew suicide was and would always be a touchy subject with his partner. He would never usually bring it up but he was desperate to make him understand.

"Don't be so melodramatic Hanson, you're being absolutely ridiculous!"

"How am I being ridiculous? You don't know what the kids going through and what getting arrested will do to him. So how can you say that he'll just get over it?"

"No, I don't know what he's going through but maybe that's because I've never been a drug dealer. And anyways who are you to talk about knowing how he feels! Thomas Hanson, president of the debating team by day expert on teenage delinquency by night," He taunted cruelly.

"Piss off with the boy scout shit for once Doug," he said voice laced with hurt.

"I'm only pointing out the truth. I mean what do you really know, these kids aren't like you Tom. How can you say you understand how they feel or how they might react?" Tom sighed.

"Maybe you don't know me as well you think?"

"Sure I know you Tommy, you're a neat freak who is in love with his car, never misses his bowling night and is too stubborn to take my golden dating advice." The officer said playfully trying to diffuse the tension. Tom looked at his partner directly in the eyes; as if he hadn't heard his partners light hearted insult.

"How do you think I fit in so easily with these kids, get them to trust me so quickly, how do you think I know how to act high around them?" He stared into the blank face of his partner and best friend.

"I wasn't almost one of these kids, I was one of these kids." he said pleadingly to Doug, willing him to understand.

"What?" he said sounding unconfident in his earlier denial.

"You've known me for four years Doug and how often since the start have I been so easily influenced, so easily changed. The reason I transitioned so quickly from that awkward straight laced kid into who you see now was because that kid wasn't really me,"

"But why would you pretend to be someone you're not?" he asked still uncertain.

"I suppose I just wanted to put as much distance between who I was and who I wanted to be. But I soon realised it was easier to just to act normal, I mean you guys weren't typical beat cops anyway," he answered before another moment of silence was shared.

Doug stared his partner in the eyes, he was right he hadn't changed a bit since those first few weeks. Hell, Tom still ordered the same thing for dinner at their favourite bar. The full meaning of Tom's admission came crashing onto him, he felt as if he would be crushed with the weight of his realisation.

"Is something wrong you look worried?" Hanson felt the need to ask due to the distorted look on his friends face.

"You're not, you know uh … now? Are you?"

"No of course not, I would never go back to it, I was in a real bad place," Hanson answered quickly, saving Penhall from having to spell it out.

"It started with drinking, after Dad died some of my friends thought I needed cheering up so we would hang out and just get pissed together, you know? It wasn't the best thing to do and I knew it was wrong but it was just nice to have a release," He started nervously.

"About a year later, Mum was trying to get over Dad so she started seeing this guy. For some reason he hated my guts and whenever he was home alone with me he would embrace the opportunity to practice his boxing skills," he smiled apprehensively.

"And well while he would use me as a punching bag he would yell shit at me, terrible things…" He paused taking a deep breath like he was bracing himself for some sort of impact. "Things like 'Why don't you just stop trying because I can already tell you, you will amount to nothing,' and 'Don't come home tomorrow, you know your mum and I would be so much happier if you just disappeared!' And my personal favourite, 'You were such an embarrassment that your father went and got himself killed so he didn't have to watch you grow up and ruin his good name' and all sorts of awful things like that." He talked so flatly, with no emotion in his voice, like he was repeating something he had heard a thousand times before. He probably had heard them a thousand times before Doug thought disgusted.

"I was smart enough to know it wasn't true, to know that he knew all the right things to make me upset. But when you hear those things enough times it's hard to not to start to believe them. It just became too much for me to deal with and the alcohol wasn't enough to block it out anymore. I didn't even have to look to find something else that would help. As my old friends had kind of given up on me, they were sick of my shitty moods and were weirded out by the bruises that permanently covered my skin. So I had made a new friend, kind of." He let out a gentle laugh and scratched his head, unintentionally communicating his discomfort before continuing.

"And one day out of nowhere he offered me some crack, told me it would make me feel better and well that was it." Tom went silent for a moment reminiscing about the amazing feeling the drugs had always provided him. He however quickly came back to the present feeling ashamed and repulsed by his thoughts. He continued, his speech becoming more erratic.

"I was a complete mess, the drugs, they turned me into a different person, I would come home late and I barely attended any of my classes. I had to repeat 11th grade."

"What did your mum do?" Doug questioned out of curiosity.

"She didn't know. I was pretty good at hiding things even then. I blamed the bruises on kids at school. Said they were having a go at Dad being a cop. Which then also meant I had a reason to stay back late at school to get high, with her thinking I had detention. Mum thought I was just acting out because of dad and because I didn't think she should be dating. So she didn't give me too much of a hard time,"

He paused, once again finding the courage to meet Doug's eyes, "She finally seemed so happy and I didn't want to, couldn't take that away from her. I couldn't tell her the man she thought she loved was a child abuser. I was just happier to put up with him and deal with things my own way," Tom's usual tough exterior was melting away before Doug's eyes.

"Oh man, Tommy," Doug said empathetically, struggling to comprehend the immense responsibility Tom at 17, had placed on himself. 'No wonder he fell apart' he thought.

"That was until one day when this kid, he just wouldn't stop staring at me. I had this bruise that ran from my arm up to my neck. I felt his eyes on me all day so eventually I told him to fuck off or he would be sorry, and he did. Later that day however another kid decided to bore holes into me with his eyes, he tried to be discrete but I could feel his eyes constantly on me. I didn't even pause to think about it, I just snapped. I punched him." Hanson dropped his head further in shame, not that he had been looking at Doug through this recount. It was like he was scared to see what Doug would think of him.

"All he did was look at me Doug and I punched him square in the face. No regards of how badly I could hurt him. It was so unlike me, I was so scared of who I was becoming." Doug noted the fearful look present in Hanson's eyes, like he had been transported back to his teenage self.

"That was the day I knew I had to get out, that I couldn't do it anymore. I hated who the drugs made me and I was scared of what would become of me if I stayed on that path," Tom struggled to go on, his failing voice and watery eyes were betraying his otherwise unfeeling expression.

"I swallowed my pride and told mum, I asked her for help. And she helped me get clean. To this day, telling my mum and the month that followed it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. There is nothing in this world that could make me go back there," he finished as he allowed himself one more moment of weakness before he brought his hand to his hair trying to be as casual as possible about brushing the water from the corner of one eye. He tilted his head back to dry the flow threatening to spill onto his cheeks before lowering his gaze to face Doug again, bringing his hand to rest behind his neck.

Penhall was shocked at the detail of the confession his question had evoked; he had no idea how to reply so he continued lamely with, "Sorry. It's just I had to ask, you know, you have been a bit moody lately and I just…" Tom interrupted with a weak laugh as he scruffed the back of his hair.

"It's ok Doug, forget about it," Doug smiled a feeble smile back at him, relieved his partner wasn't displaying any anger towards him. Tom was glad he asked if he was being honest with himself. It was extremely painful to tell Doug but he now felt an enormous sense of relief that he hadn't expected.

"I get it now man, why you empathise with them so easily, but what I don't get is why you never told me?" Doug continued allowing Tom to try and regain his composure, he knew Hanson would hate that he had allowed himself to be so vulnerable in front of someone else.

"How could I? 'Oh hey there Doug how you doing today? Just thought I'd let you know that when I was seventeen I had a daily drug habit, oh and before I forget do you want eggs or pancakes for breakfast?'" Hanson replied sarcastically.

"Maybe not like that, but you know you can tell me anything right?"

"Of course Doug, it's just I have kept it from everyone for so long, sometimes it doesn't even feel like it's a part of my life. It feels so separate from me and bringing it to the surface again, telling someone, it makes it so real. And beside It's not something I'm proud of. And it's definitely not something I want everyone to know about me," he cast his eyes downward unable to face Doug any longer.

Doug looked at the sheepish figure in front of him. His partner looked so ashamed and so humble. Doug knew at that moment the 'goody two-shoes' Tom wasn't all for show, the embarrassment on his features was proof of that. Still, he felt like he was seeing Tom for the first time all over again. All the pieces fit and he now even understood why bending the rules came so easily to his partner who would always go out of his way for justice.

He hated seeing him so down on himself though, it wasn't right. "You should be proud, proud that even though you were in a bad place you had the strength to get yourself out and turn your life around, especially when so many people don't. You can't just ignore that part of you Tom, your past is what makes you, you! And I would never want you to change, not at all. I love you man! Everything about you, even if I didn't know all there was to know," Tom gave him a strange look.

"Relax, not in that way man. Although if I did go that way, you would be my in my top two for sure,"

"What? Top two?" Tom gasped overplaying his outrage and offence.

"Ok I'm sorry I lied, but I was doing it for your own good Tommy, I didn't want you to get a big head," They both laughed awkwardly.

"I love you too man, and I really did want to tell you but It was easier to leave it in the past." At that they smiled knowingly at each other.

"You're not going to tell anyone are you?" Hanson blurted out, suddenly feeling panicked.

"No Tom, it's not my place,"

"Ok good because I honestly don't think I could take anyone else looking at me like you are now,"

"How am I looking at you?" Penhall said honestly surprised.

"Like I've just flashed you or done something equally as disturbing," he said looking uncomfortable under his friends knowing gaze. Again they both laughed uneasily.

"Sorry!" he said thinking about how he actually felt nothing but proud of his friend. And that he had been trying his best to make sure Hanson felt normal around him. He was obviously failing.

Truthfully Doug was struggling to digest all the stuff Tom had just told him. It did at least give him a reason as to why he never heard Tom talk about his childhood after his dad had died. Penhall's mind was still spinning with questions but he knew better to bombard Hanson with them. His friend had already revealed so much of himself to Doug, he knew he would be feeling exposed and would likely get defensive and closed off if he was too probing. So he picked one last question to ask.

"Is all this the reason you became a cop, to make it safer out there for kids like you?"

"That and because of my Dad."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

… Future's so Bright …

The officer's routine of wasting their days sleeping through their classes and then working for Lawrence at night continued. However today, unlike previous days there was a nervous tension shared by the officers. As today was the day they had planned to arrest Lawrence and all his known associates. The officers were also going to be busted with him, to make sure their cover was maintained and that the ex-cop had no reason to get suspicious.

Fuller, Ioki, Judy and two other uniformed officers came to arrest the two undercover officers as well as Mathew and Lawrence. The bust went down as planned which allowed the officers feel more relaxed and fall into their normal routine, finally getting to have a little fun.

"Get your hands off me," yelled Doug feigning offense at Ioki who had run his hands down Penhall's jeans in search of a concealed weapon.

"Or we'll have to report you for sexual harassment," Hanson continued, cocky grins covered across both the men's faces.

"I mean I know we're irresistible but have some self-control for Christ sakes," Doug said continuing to re-enact a scene they had been at the receiving end of a thousand times before.

"Give 'em a break Doug, I mean I feel bad for them. They bust their asses all day, arresting scum like us!" he mocked.

"I suppose you're right, they're just poor, pathetic public servants. Were as we are business men, were going somewhere, we've got a bright future. And dad always said to us you can tell a great man by how he treats those inferior to him, isn't that right Tommy,"

"Mhm he did," Tom confirmed chewing his gum obnoxiously.

"Speaking of our bright future, you know I was planning to buy a Beamer next week?"

"Mmm, a Beamer? Really doug, I thought we decided you were going to go with the… "

"The only thing you boys are going to be paying off is your bail," Adam Fuller interrupted sternly as he roughly shoved Tom towards the door of the apartment.

Hanson played off his captain, laying it on thick, "That's a real shame, because I would have liked to pick you up in it some time," he said eyeing Judy over his shoulder, "You really are a fine piece of ass," he said internally cringing, the words sounded like nothing he would ever say. Judy tightened the cuffs around his wrists. He was sure she did it as roughly as she could. He probably deserved it, he thought. Judy had to admit she did enjoy Hanson's flattery even if it was just an act but wanted to show him it wasn't okay to talk about her or any woman in that way. Even though she was sure he knew that already.

It seemed their little show was serving its purpose, their fellow officers were highly irritated by their antics and Lawrence was thoroughly entertained. As he laughed Fuller walked over to him. "Who do we have here? My,my have you fallen," he said taking the reins, allowing the undercover officers to finally relax and watch their partners butter up their suspect.

"Who is it Captain?" Ioki volunteered.

"Ex-police Captain Lawrence," he answered putting emphasis on each word, expression still emotionless.

"You can't just arrest me for no reason Adam," The cuffed man said uncaringly.

"I but I do have a reason, you see we have been getting complaints about suspicious behaviour occurring around this apartment and so we wanted to investigate. This is such a nice neighbourhood after all,"

"The best," Lawrence answered mimicking Fullers sarcasm.

"You know people don't look kindly on a policemen turned criminal," Hanson looked over without meaning to. He knew exactly what Fuller was talking about; he had experienced the full force of people's disgust firsthand. He was sure his captain didn't mean anything by it, but still it stung his still not fully healed wounds.

"And Trent," the use of his first name seemed to effect the usually fearless man. "You're going to need all the kindness you can get, so I'd be cooperative if I were you,".

With that the four handcuffed men were lead to the police cars out front and taken downtown. They were all put into separate cells and then interrogated one by one. Tom and Doug however were released and headed back to the chapel to catch up on some paperwork. As with the pair working both nights and days, they had let their paperwork get the better of them. A few hours later Judy and Ioki walked in on Hanson studiously working and Doug fast asleep with his head tilted over his chair, mouth inelegantly open.

"Where's Fuller?" Hanson called out.

"He just finishing up with the last guy, I'm not sure how he went, but he didn't seem to be too happy after his talk with Lawrence, hopefully he had better luck with the others," Judy returned.

"Hopefully," Tom said hoping it hadn't all been for nothing. That Mathew hadn't been arrested for nothing.

"No no…I don't want, I don't want any broccoli," came the pleading voice of Doug Penhall. Judy and Tom looked at each other and laughed.

"But they will help you grow up to be big and strong Doug!" Judy spoke patronisingly.

"No it tastes so bad…" he said still obviously dreaming.

Ioki jumped in to save him from his nightmare, "Doug wake up man, before these guys draw something horrible on your face," he said plainly, throwing some trash at him which seemed to do the trick. It was obvious he wanted the others to stop mucking around.

"We would never, how old do you think we are?" Judy said offended.

"Speak for yourself, I'm still in high school you know," Hanson interrupted. Jude and Ioki rolled their eyes but Hanson ignored them. He instead went back to assaulting Doug who was currently wiping the drool of his chin, looking very confused.

"What were you dreaming about man, seemed like you were having some sort of nightmare," he asked trying his best not to laugh.

"Oh it was terrible Tom, there were these two women, they were so beautiful. One was a six foot blond and the other a gymnast and they both wanted me, but I could only have one, it was dreadful! I couldn't decide." he said acting distraught. Judy and Tom watched on amused. When he had finished Judy threw some rubbish at him.

"You're so full of it, you know that Penhall!" She taunted.

"It's the truth, happened in real life once too! And what's with people throwing things at me today?" he said trying to sooth his ego.

"Give it up Doug, you were sleep talking, you were frightened by a vegetable," Tom took over unable to wipe the smirk off his face. He was thoroughly enjoying winding Penhall up, it was nice to have some normality to his day.

"Why'd you ask me what I was dreaming about then if you already knew?" he growled his anger fuelled by his embarrassment. Hanson just shrugged in reply, still laughing.

"Because he knew you'd make up some shit like that," Judy supplied for him.

"Yeah, sounds like you need to get yourself a lady Doug," Tom continued to tease.

"What a great idea Tommy we can go out together, tonight!" he said decisively.

Tom was completely surprised by the direction and speed the conversation had embraced, "No,"

"Why not, don't be so quick to reply. It will be great! You, me, being each other's wingmen, "

"You need to take of your rose coloured glasses Doug, because us going out together never works out well!"

"Come on! You need someone to cheer you up, Mr grumpy pants. I know why you've been coming over my place all lonely at night. And besides this time will be different," he pleaded.

"Yeah it will be…"

"So you'll come" he interrupted excitedly.

"No, it will be different because I'm not going," Tom said finality in his voice. "Were not those same people anymore, we've talked about this. I'm not that naive kid who you first tried to corrupt," Doug looked at his partner he was right. Ignoring all the things he had found out about his partner in the last few days, even looking at him, his messy hair leather jacket and combat boots, he could see he was different. He was ready to corrupt some new young cop.

"And you're not some macho guy looking for a one night stand, you've got Clavo now. When we first met you told me you went on your first date at age 12 but I know now that's not true. And that's ok because you don't have to put on that front with me. We've seen each other's best and worst. And that is why I am asking you to please support me however I want to deal with this," Hanson now sounded drained. It had become obvious to Judy and Ioki, who were secretly listening, that the men were brushing over some issues that they had discussed privately at another time.

Judy watched on, removed from the conversation. She was surprised to feel herself be so relieved to hear Tom refuse. Why though? She had told herself for so long to get over it, that is wasn't going to happen. But still she was falling for him. She knew that she had memorised all the things she loved about him. Things like the way he cared so much about the job, his dry, almost absent sense of humour and the way he kept his desk so immaculate. To things as small as the way he held his pencil, the look on his face when he was confused and how he always appeared as if he had just gotten out of bed. Judy knew it was wrong and selfish of her to not want anyone else to notice those things about him. She didn't want him be with anyone else, even though she wasn't sure she would ever get up the courage to ask him out herself. Judy saw Hanson meet her eyes, she hadn't even realised she had been looking at him.

Then a laugh was heard from Ioki. Hanson, broke his gaze with Judy to look at him. He thought it best anyway. He was kidding himself if he thought he had a chance, she was probably just day dreaming, there was no way any women would really look at him in that way. Jenko told him what felt like a lifetime ago that she was out of his league and Tom knew he was right. He was just a scrawny, working class white boy with mental issues, so he had told himself to just admire from a distance. He didn't want to risk ruining or tainting her with his crazy. She deserved better so he just stayed away. At times he wishes he was selfish enough to just give it a try. After a moment of indulgence in his own thoughts he returned to the present. "What's up Iokage?"

"Seriously Hanson?" Ioki interrupted bitterly. Tom and Doug look over suddenly irritated as they realised their conversation had been overheard, "You are such a fucking drama queen" he continued scornfully. Tom looked unable to speak, shocked by Ioki's sudden outburst.

" 'Support me however I want to deal with _this,' _give me a break,"

"I'm sorry but I thought me and Doug were having a private conversation over here,"

"Come on, you act all moody and tough but you are secretly just dying for people to ask you if you are ok, you love the attention,"

"You're kidding me right, that's the last thing I want,"

"Bullshit, you couldn't stand that people had finally got over the fact that you went to jail and so now you're putting on some sort of mental breakdown!"

"Like you can talk Ioki," he shot back feeling disarmed.

"In case you were too caught up in yourself to notice I did almost die, I think I have a better reason to not be ok than you,"

"You don't know the half of what I'm dealing with. And besides you were asleep the whole fucking time, I had to live through my torture,"

"You know I didn't ask you jump right into that case after me," Tom suddenly realised what this was all about and he was immediately more enraged. His anger was clouding his thoughts. He felt adrenaline pumping through his body as if he were on a case and he was about to start his assault on a criminal. Tom had realised that Ioki wasn't just pissed at his recent mood swings, he was pissed that Hanson had gone in after he had failed and tried to play the 'hero', he was probably glad it ended so badly for Tom, he thought bitterly.

Adam Fuller interrupted his rage filled thoughts as he came barging into the chapel. He looked on in disdain, 'why do they insist on acting like such teenagers' he thought frustrated at the latest drama unfolding before him 'I'm too old for this shit'. "Penhall, Hanson, office now." The men got up from their respective desks and followed Fuller into his office. Both of them shooting Ioki a look that could maim.

"What you get coach," Tom said trying to return his focus to their case.

"Not much I'm afraid, Lawrence is too smart, he didn't say a thing. And well Mathew only knows as much as you two. As for the dealer you guys met with, Henry. Well he's been kept pretty in the dark also but he did let slip about a rumour that the boss had been recently murdered by whoever was under him. Would that information make any sense to you two?"

"Actually come to think of it, it was rather strange that whenever we tried to bring it up the Lawrence he always managed to change the topic in a hurry," Doug said still deep in thought.

"Well maybe that's because he is the boss now?" Fuller suggested.

"You could be right, I'm thinking we should confront our new friend about that don't you Tommy?" he said excited to finally have a lead.

"What? Uh yep?" he said as if he wasn't really paying attention.

"Alright, why don't you two go home and get some much needed rest, Lawrence won't be released till morning anyway," he looked at the pair, Doug's eyes were now glued to Hanson worriedly while Tom just looked at the floor. They both looked tired, so the usually tough captain decided to display his soft side.

"Thanks coach." Hanson said as they headed for the door.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

... Breathe ...

Hanson quickened his pace as he approached his home; he walked with his hands in his pockets clutching its contents, shoulders hunched over and head bowed against the wind. To an outsider he might have looked to be protecting himself from the cold, but it was summer and the breeze was warm. So one would say he was acting strangely, like he was in a rush or on edge about something.

Tom was done with today, done with everything, done thinking and done feeling. He finally reached his room and locked his door behind him, his usually agile fingers struggling to turn the lock. He dumped the contents of his pocket onto his bedside and then climbed onto his bed without taking his eyes away from it. He sat perched on his knees and he felt a wave of nervous anticipation. He hastily took off his jacket, letting slide off his back and fall onto the bed behind him. He pulled open his draw pushed his neatly folded socks aside to grab what he was looking for.

He knew what people would think, what they would say if they knew, if they found out. 'Poor Tommy, still struggling to move on. He was too young when his Father was taken from him. He is smart and strong but he will never know how to be a real man, he has had no one to teach him. He has let his grief ruin him, he has let himself become too soft and vulnerable. He's pathetic. And selfish. Turing to this! Did he even think about his Mother?'

'They don't know me' he thought 'and I don't care what they think, they expect too much of me, think that because I'm me I can deal with anything. They're wrong I'm just as, if not more hopeless then them'. His vision became unclear as he tilted his head forward allowing the forming tears to escape his eyes. He was done tying to live up to others expectations of him. "Fuck them all," he said to the empty room. They don't have to live inside my head every day. They have no right to judge.

He decided to dismiss any negative thoughts as he reminded himself that he was done thinking, he wasn't going to let anything ruin this for him. He returned his attention back to the items in front of him and continued from where he was before he was rudely interrupted by his thoughts. He tied the fabric that he had fished out of his drawer around his arm with the help of his teeth and drained the liquid from the vile he had been clutching in his pocket earlier into a clean syringe. 'Finally' he thought, ready to embrace the moment.

He heard knocking. "Tom, are you in there?" Came a voice from the other side of Tom's bedroom door. 'Shit' was the only coherent thought Tom could form.

"No Doug, don't, don't come in," his voice was as shaky as his nerve.

"What is it Tom, let me in and we can talk about it," Tom looked from the wonderful liquid in his hands that would take all his pain away, to his closed door.

"Just go away," Doug was really worried now, there was something distant in Hanson's voice. Penhall banged on the door more desperately.

"Why have you locked yourself in your room," Tom knew this was it, he was going to be found out. Everyone would soon know how utterly pathetic he was. "Let me in or ill break your door down!" Doug screamed.

"Fuck off Doug!" he shouted back pathetically.

Tom was distraught. He knew it was too late to try and hide the evidence and besides even though he was terrified of being caught he was even more terrified of not getting to feel that relief. Tom took a deep breath as he tried to steady his hand. 'Come on!' he said unable to get control over his nerves.

At that moment Doug broke through his door. His eyes widened in shock and fear as he realised what was happening. "Tom, no, don't!" was all he could manage as he stumbled towards his partner, their eyes meeting.

Tom detested the pitying way his friend was looking at him, that was it, he had had enough. He stared back unblinking as he injected his arm with his poison of choice. He felt the tension he had been carrying immediately fade away. He laid back onto his bed, sick smile plastered on his face. Nothing could touch him, he felt safe, he had really missed this feeling.

"Tom?! What the fuck have you done! You idiot!" he had finally closed the distance between himself and Tom. He grabbed his friend's shoulders and shook them angrily. "You fucking idiot!" He screamed before he stopped, taken aback by the looseness of his partner's shoulders and the quietness of the room apart from his own breath. Suddenly all his anger dissolved and fear took over; it paralysed his body and his thoughts. He felt like he couldn't breathe.

**Thoughts, comments, criticisms ? Even just a hey :) **


	16. Chapter 16

**So I go back to uni tomorrow and unfortunately I haven't finished this as I planned. But I will keep going with it and will try to upload two chapters a week :) So bear with me as my schedule is pretty crazy (5 days, 9am- 5pm most days!). So far I've got the story planned to finish with 21 chapters so we're about three quartes of the way there. I hope you stay with me till the end! **

**As usual not totally sure if I'm 100% happy with it but wanted to upload anyway and on a similar note I apologise if there's any mistakes! I'm terrible at proof reading :/ So as always I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing ! **

**Just a reply to guest reviewer also - Sed- Glad you're still with me ! and thanks for you're review, as always it means a lot to me that you took the time to write me a message :) it's always such good motivation to keep going. **

Chapter 16

… What's the Point …

"Tom? Wake up! You can't do his to me!" Penhall was helplessly shouting at his motionless friend. "Answer me!" he demanded. There was no reply, just silence.

Then a dazed voice broke the quiet, "Shut up, stop yelling, why are you yelling?" Tom said slowly opening his eyes.

"What the Fuck?" Tom continued, voice still sounding drowsy. Doug wasn't there.

He shuddered as he realised he had been dreaming. Dreaming a dream that he hadn't had since he was 17. For the first time though it was slightly different. This time Instead of his Mother it was Doug who had had come to find out what a screw up he was and to find he was too late to save him.

His heavy breathing seemed deafening as he sat in his bed wishing he would be swallowed up by the blackness of his room. 'Calm down you idiot, it was just a dream'. It may have been just a dream but that didn't mean it didn't feel any less real. And now, just like when he was a teen, he struggled to get back his grip on reality after having his worst fears played out in his head.

He tried to bury himself deeper in his covers to offset the chilling effect the cooling sweat on his back was starting to have. He closed his eyes and immediately he felt the same feelings from his dream assault him as if they had never left. It frightened him how desperate he was for a high, how necessary it felt to have it. He hated the control it had over him. He was so scared he would never be able to kick it, that he wouldn't have the willpower to resist its calls. He was sure it would trap him forever. He became dizzy despite the fact he was lying in bed as these fears swirled around in his head. It left him feeling like he was a teenager again, like this dream could become his reality if he wasn't careful.

By habit he started to run over the scenes in his head, just like he did when they would wake him up all those years ago. 'This is not fucking normal'. He had thought that then and he knew it to be truer now. Most people wanted to forget their nightmares. But he wanted to make sure he remembered every small detail. To be able to remember those intense feelings of distress. He used those sleepless nights to build himself up until one day he finally felt like he was strong enough to ask for help and face his demons. He then kept those memories safe ready to call on in what he knew was coming. The desperation to keep those memories in his dreams and not his reality was what got him through the hardest and darkest hours of his young life.

He thought back to the old version of his dream when his mum was the one to find him. This had been his biggest fear, that his mum would find out the secret he had been so careful to hide from her. He couldn't stand the thought of her feeling like she was a failure. And he also knew he wouldn't be able to face her disappointment. As she always though him so capable and he didn't want her to think any less of him. He needed at least one person in his life to believe in him as pathetic he knew it sounded. While he was deathly afraid of being caught he was even more terrified of what might happen to him. That one day his mum would walk into his room to find that not only had she lost her husband but she had lost her only child. He could bear the thought of being the cause of more pain to his mother.

'This is fucking bullshit' he thought, as he struggled with the fact that he thought he had put this all behind him. He thought he had already lived through the hard stuff, the withdrawals and the months of cravings. How was it that at 25 he was still struggling with this part of his past. Becoming increasingly frustrated at his failed attempts to get back to sleep he tried thinking about something else. As he was sick of thinking about the possibility that he might never really get over it.

He thought that maybe this dream had resurfaced to remind him that he never wanted to go back to that place. 'Never again buddy' he would never let himself sink that low. But still just because he would never let himself turn to drugs, he knew he was being just as self-destructive enabling himself to just go on exiting feeling so trapped and so utterly beside himself that he didn't care what happened to him. He thought that maybe Doug had appeared to remind him not to try and deal with it all on his own, that it is ok to ask for help. As look what happened when he isolated himself from everyone last time he felt like he couldn't take it. He didn't want to admit it but he knew his subconscious was right. He had already reached out to Penhall but he knew he needed to actually ask for his help. He realised how selfish it was of him to dump everything on his friend, who already had so much to deal. He suddenly felt pathetic as he also realised Doug was managing to cope on his own. He hadn't complained once to Hanson. 'God and I call myself his best friend'. He had just lost his wife and was still managing to care for a kid and turn up ready for work every day. While Hanson couldn't even go one night alone with his thoughts as he struggled to deal with something that happened over 5 years ago. He knew he had to do it though, ask for his help with the question he was struggling with, after all Doug had told him he could tell him anything. 'Hadn't he?'

Instead of thinking about how he was going to go about reaching out to Doug he walked over his fridge and pulled out a can of beer. 'It's like bloody De Ja Vu' he thought as he suddenly felt nostalgic about searching for an escape by an artificial means. 'It's ok it will be that last time' he told himself. He felt uneasy though as a cynical voice in his head replied to him, 'Sure because that's the first time you've told yourself that'. He gulped the Beveridge down until he could no longer hear that sarcastic voice in his head taunt him. Convinced he would then be able to sleep in peace he tried to throw the empty can into the bin, missing it by about a metre before slinking back into his bedroom and falling asleep happily on top of the covers.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tommy and Doug Mcquaid pulled up into their usual spot in the student parking lot. As they got out of the car in silence they seemed to clear a perimeter around them was larger than usual. They were used to this though. It was always the case after they were arrested as part of their case the kids seemed to be extra nervous around them. "News travels fast doesn't it little bro," Doug said testing the waters.

"It's great isn't it, we should get arrested more often maybe then we would have to bother picking fights to prove ourselves," he replied. Doug was relieved that although his answer was filled with cynicism he at least was paying attention to what Doug had said. Which was an improvement on yesterday.

"Don't pretend you don't love giving the school idiots a taste of their own medicine Tommy!"

"Oh you know I do,"

Most of the day was uneventful. Tom was keen for it to be lunchtime as he didn't have any classes with Mathew and he really wanted to see how he was doing. As lunchtime finally came around the McQuaid's picked a seat next to the school bully who promptly got up as they sat down, probably because he remembered their last encounter. "That's just rude" Doug said loudly, "I wanted to share some chocolate mousse with him!"

"More like steal it from him," Hanson teased light heartedly. Doug noticed his mood seemed to have lightened now it was lunch time. As dealing with teachers that all felt the need to express their opinions about how the brothers should have been expelled instead of being allowed to stay and corrupt more students had taken its toll on both the officers.

Mid way though his strawberry milk Penhall saw Hanson's shoulders tense up, so he turned to see what he was looking at. Or rather who he was looking at.

"You look as bad as him" Doug said pointing at Tom as Mathew sat down with them.

"Yeah well, haven't slept much due to being arrested and all," he said bitterly.

"It's not that bad man, we've gone through it loads of times haven't we Dougy," Tom said trying to reassure his friend.

"Yeah and look at how well it's turned out for you two,"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Doug returned.

"It means that I've obviously got a bright future ahead of me, if I'm lucky I'll eventually graduate from high school a then get a job working at pizza hut while doing some drug runs on the side."

"Well that's a bit harsh ain't it," Doug said sounding insulted.

"I was going to go to college man! But no one will want me know, not with a criminal record,"

"Don't let this define you Mathew, your better than that!" Tom jumped in.

"What do you know McQuaid! I be you've never had anyone expect anything from you. They looked up to me, expected great things from me and know they all think I'm a screw up!" he said pointing to the kids eating lunch around them, "And so do the teachers, it's all I've heard from them today and so I figure I may as well live up to their expectations," Tom knew all about others expectations and he hated seeing Mathew collapsing under the same pressure he had been broken by. He continued with his effort to gat Mathew to see straight.

"You are not as smart as I thought you were if you honestly believe the bullshit you just told us,"

"Sorry to disappoint you then,"

"I get where you are coming from, you probably don't believe me but I really do. Don't take to heart what they say about you, don't let what they think about you define who you are!" Doug looked on silently as he saw a passion ignite in Hanson he hadn't seen in over a year as he continued to speak to Mathew. "Because you are more capable and exceptional than you think you are! And trust me when I say most of the people criticizing you are only having a go because they have your best interest at heart, they want you to do well,"

"That must seem very strange coming from him," Doug added laughing uneasily, seeing the puzzled look on the kids face. "He was nerd once you know, glasses and all,"

"Doug I thought we agreed never to tell anyone that!" Hanson joked catching on to Doug's cover up of his cop like lecture.

"It's ok your past is safe with me," he said laughing, not sure whether he believed the brothers. He knew something was different about them but he was pretty sure a secret past of being straight A students wasn't it.

"Speaking of the past," Tom said trying to redirect the conversation, "Me and Doug were talking earlier and we would be totally fine if you put this behind you and let us to continue alone with Lawrence. Because it could get a lot messier, I mean we could even give you a small cut considering you lead us to him," Hanson suggested nervously hoping desperately Mathew would accept.

"Nah, man I'm only doing it for a little longer anyway, I've almost saved all I need, then I'm out remember, 'early retirement'" he finished, winking at Tommy. Tom smiled sadly back, unable to hide his disappointment.

"Sure thing." He said knowing full well nothing was going to go as Mathew had hoped.

**Hope that wasn't to cliché or corny for any of you haha, let me know what you think? :) **


	17. Chapter 17

**I apologise for how long this has taken and its shortness in comparison to previous sections. As I said last time uni has started again and well my timetable is pretty terrible. Lets just say being at uni from 9 to 4 for 5 days in a row has left me super tired and slightly delirious :/ **

**Anyways hope you guys are enjoying and still coming back for my updates. Also hope this isn't getting to repetitive? This chapter kind of came from something that originally was planned to be smaller but since it became what it is I decided to leave it as its own chapter as the next section is a big one. I've half finished the next bit so hopefully I wont take as long to upload it :) **

Chapter 17

… Who is it? …

Tom was awoken from his daydream by a knocking sound, "Delivery," a voice called from behind his door.

"You've got the wrong place, I didn't order anything," he called back irritated as he walked towards the door ready to unleash his fury onto the unknowing delivery guy behind it. "I've told you guys a hundred times before this isn't Harris Street, it's Harris Road, but you never listen so as usual you've got the wrong …"

He stopped mid-sentence as he opened the door to see Doug posing with a ridiculous smile on his face and a box of pizza balancing on one hand. "Oh," he finished lamely. He turned around and went to sit back down on his couch, not even bothering to invite Doug in.

"Jeez Hanson, I thought you'd at least be happy to see some pizza even if you didn't want to see me,", Tom shrugged in response. It's not like he didn't want some company it was just he still wasn't prepared to reach out to Doug and he didn't want to accidently spill his guts. Again.

"I thought I'd swing by since we didn't have pizza night last week," he said approaching the issue cautiously. Toms face immediately softened.

"Oh shit, I'm so sorry about that. I was a bit of an ass hole wasn't I?"

"A bit?" Doug said light heartedly.

"Ok a lot," He admitted. "But you weren't exactly 'Mr Easy to be around' either!"

"Yeah ok, I'm sorry too, I know I went too far,"

"It's forgotten," he said untruthfully, he knew he would never forget how much the words had cut him at the time.

"Wait actually, what kind of pizza did you bring?"

"Pepperoni of course!" He said lifting the lid allowing the smell to fill the room.

"That's lucky, you're still forgiven then," Tom smiled back obviously dying for a slice, he couldn't remember the last time had had proper food.

Doug smiled back and sat next to him on the couch. He knew Tom didn't forgive as easily as he tried to convince others he did, but Doug was glad he felt their friendship important enough to lie for. As he knew neither of them were ready to talk about what had happened. He felt he needed to come over though because he missed the normality of them wasting hours together, the easy silences and understanding shared between them. He just wanted it to be back to how it was, even though he knew it was naive to think that it would ever be exactly the same between them. But he had to admit he wouldn't have it any other way, what they had shared had made them closer, he simple wanted to stop constantly fighting with his friend. They both took a slice from the box and turned their attention to the TV.

Doug was also glad that his visit had given him an excuse to check up on Hanson. So as Tom was seemingly distracted by the cartoon in front of them, Doug took the chance to examine their surroundings and them Tom himself.

"Why are you looking at me like I've gone insane?" Doug was startled, it was like he had eyes in the back of his head. He supposed they both did, they might not have much in common but they were both born to be police officers.

"You don't really think I've lost it do you?" His tone conveyed sarcasm but Doug could tell his eyes were begging for an honest answer. Had his friend had just asked him about his own sanity? If Tom thought he wasn't right, Doug had more to be worried about than he thought.

"I'm fine Doug really, or at least I will be. You know that right?" he said reassuring himself as much as he was Doug.

"I think you need to talk to Fuller about this, it's obviously affecting you more that you think. Maybe he could give you some time off?".

"No I can't, you know I can't! I can't deal with him looking at me like you are now, like some stupid helpless kid," he said, sounding ironically like a whiny child. Doug was baffled, Hanson had to realise that what he revealed to Doug opened his eyes to the resilient and strong-minded guy he really was.

"Fuller isn't like that, you know he's not,"

Tom continued as if he hadn't heard Doug speak, staring at something that want really there. "Every time they look at me I would be reminded again and again of something I've put behind me, something I dealt with a long time ago,".

Doug responded choosing to ignore the fact that Hanson wasn't really making sense. 'Who the fuck is them?' he thought. "Well obviously you haven't dealt with it. Look at yourself!" He started accidently letting some of his frustration spill into his voice.

He got no response.

"Does this seem like the apartment of someone who has dealt with their problems?" he said finally bringing up his concern about the state of the place. Tom refused to look around him, fully aware of how bad the mess was.

Doug was became concerned as Hanson stood there still giving no response staring back at him with steely eyes.

"Ok well, let me know when you're ready to admit to me and to yourself that something is wrong, and I will be here to help you, I will always be here for you if you need me ok?"

Tom finally spoke again, "Give it a rest Penhall, just because I've told you things doesn't mean you get to talk to me like that, you don't get to patronise me, I am not a child," he barked in response, internally confused about the two opposing feelings he was dealing with. He was hurt that Doug saw him incapable of coping on his own but at the same time he knew he didn't deserve Doug, he was too kind and too patient. Even with this playing on his conscience he fell into old habits, having let his frustration aided by his sharp tongue answer for him.

"Well you sure are acting like one," Doug returned irritated that his attempt to be supportive had been used against him.

"That's rich coming from you," Hanson scoffed.

"Whatever, have it your way," he said as he got up, knowing when his friend was like this there was no reasoning with him.

Was this them now? No more mutual understanding and easy Friday nights to be shared. Was this their new pattern, making up and then ten minutes later being back at each other's throats.

He saw such loathing in his friend's eyes, at that moment he could tell Tom really did hate him for what he had said, not just tonight but last time they had attempted to spend some time outside of work together. He hated himself for not being more compassionate, for allowing his frustration to bubble over. He knew he was becoming quicker to snap back, more impatient with Hanson's mood swings. But he was sick of trying to help him when he obviously wasn't willing to help himself. Tom was an adult, as he had insisted numerous times to Doug in the last 10 minutes and he has to take responsibility for his own wellbeing. He was not Penhall's responsibility and Doug couldn't bear the weight of it any more. He had Clavo now and he was barely coping with that pressure. He opened the door and stepped outside.

"Go see a shrink," he spoke coldly to more silence before he closed the door and walked away from Hanson's apartment, uncaringly.

**Let me know what you think? :) **


	18. Chapter 18

**I know, I know I said it would be quicker update! I lied, I didn't mean to I swear ;) But just like I promised it's super long****, even though I split it into two chapters! I worked hard on this chapter trying to get it how I wanted and it's not perfect but I hope you like it anyways, that is if you haven't given up on me haha ;)**

**Also as always thankyou so much to everyone who reviewed always makes my day when I get emails saying someone has reviewed! S****o thankyou so much for taking the time to leave me a message!**

**Enjoy and let me know what you think!**

Chapter 18

… Confessions of an Ex-Cop …

The next day the officers were on the assault, both eager to get the case finished up. But just when they thought they had Lawrence trapped he was quick to throw them off and have them chasing him around in circles again. They had just walked into the apartment they had been spending most of their time in when Hanson started his attack again.

"You honestly think we are going to believe that you don't know who you're working for?" Tom repeated frustration evident in his tone.

"Of course I know but it is none you're business, so why don't you just lay off," Lawrence responded obviously also frustrated by the boys persistence. "Why is it so important that you know anyway, you work for me remember?" he continued his anger intensifying. It was obvious the officers were losing this battle and Lawrence would soon have them on the ropes again. But Tom wasn't ready to let that happen, not for the 4th time that afternoon.

"We don't want to upset the wrong person," Hanson answered the words coming naturally; he had said them so many times before. Unlike previous occasions however today he found himself becoming fatigued quicker than usual by the constant concentration required to manipulate their suspect, who was smarter than most of the criminals they were used to dealing with. He wished Doug would step in but it seemed in this case it was Tommy McQuaid who had taken the lead for once. So, desperate to prevent the conversation from ending the same way he pulled his gun out of his pocket and aimed it in Lawrence's direction. He did so rashly, not allowing himself time to consider the repercussions that may follow. Lawrence's eyes grew wide at the sight of Hanson's revolver. "I'm getting tired of this, so just spit it out," Tom barked hoping this new incentive would get him the information they needed.

"Where the fuck did you get that from?" Lawrence replied sounding exasperated, unable to hide his underlying nervousness. Tom was delighted to sense the anxiety in his suspect so continued to push for an answer.

"What does it matter, just tell us who the fuck you're working for!" Tom answered callously.

"No, because I think you're a cop. That is a cop's service revolver," he spat back seeming to regain his composure.

'Shit shit shit' was the only coherent thought Tom could manage at that moment. He just hoped he had managed to keep the flush of fear he felt from showing on his face. 'You bloody idiot, of course this guy would recognise your gun, he was a fucking cop remember!' Tom was filthy on himself but he tried to ignore his anger and turned his thoughts instead to how they going to get out of this with the info they wanted or at least without blowing the whole case. He shot a look to Doug, he was standing motionless with an expression conveying confusion or irritation. Tom wasn't too sure, but either way it seemed he was still on his own.

"I knew I recognised you, you're the son of that cop that got shot years ago, Thomas Hanson. You're a spitting image I can't believe I didn't realise it earlier." Lawrence said apparently amazed at his oversight before continuing with his usual bravado. "I worked with him you know, Good cop," he said in the most in a patronising tone Hanson had ever heard. Perfectly mocking the numerous praises he knew Tom would have endured after his father's passing. He knew the way people talked about cops who gave their lives to the service, the truth about their inadequacies or vices were always immediately forgotten. "He was just too Cop for his own good Tommy, sometimes you've got to know when to cut your losses," he said now laughing. It was taking every ounce of Tom's self-control not to lash out at Lawrence. He felt his fingernails digging into his palms as he focused on keeping the rest of his appearance composed.

"It's nice to see you follow in his footsteps though, he would be so proud! Looks like you're even going to have the honour of going out in the line of duty. But don't worry Tommy Boy, I promise I won't disgrace your family name by telling everyone you got yourself killed because you blew your own cover," he said smirking heartlessly as he lifted his gun and pointed it at Hanson. Tom elevated his gun simultaneously, having not realised he had let it drop to his side.

Suddenly he thought of something that could get him out of this, he was sure it would never work but he had to try something didn't he?

"I think your forgetting some essential parts of my story," Hanson said, trying his best to exude any confidence he had left. "Because if you knew my Dad I would also imagine you would have been surprised or at least vaguely intrigued when you heard his son was convicted for manslaughter. Because well, I killed a cop," he stopped, the words were hard to get out.

"I killed a cop," he said again trying his best to seem proud as he knew this wasn't the time to show his remorse.

"And now this is how I make my living, just like you I live on the wrong side of the law. I've found it's much easier once you've seen how the other side works," he finished with a wink in Lawrence's direction.

"That's right, I did hear about that, you ran off," he recalled, still sounding suspicious.

"That's right," Tom replied casually, hoping that the little publicity about his innocence would for once work in his favour.

"And what? Now you carry around your old gun or the gun of the guy you killed? Both just as insane if you ask me. And you wear that ridiculous thing on your head pretending to be a school kid only to do some low level drug dealing jobs? That's some sort of really fucked up reverse hero story," the man in front of the officer scoffed appearing confused with the ridiculous tale.

"I had to keep a souvenir," Tom answered as if it were obvious. "And well there are less cops around schools to recognise me," he said now smirking twistedly, enjoying the irony. "Isn't that one of the reasons you do business through school kids?"

Lawrence's expression softened, it seemed almost like he was accepting Hanson's bluff. 'Maybe he wasn't as smart as I thought,' he shifted uncomfortably under Lawrence's now kind gaze, 'Or maybe I'm a more convincing low life than I thought,'. Either way he was pleased to see his plan seemed to be working even though he wasn't particularly keen on believing the second option as to why.

Lawrence finally spoke again. "I knew there was a reason I liked you, It seems great minds really do think alike,". A smile returned to his face as he palmed Hanson's gun away from his face casually. Lawrence was feeling much more relaxed after coming to the conclusion that there was no way someone would try fool him with that story if it wasn't true, it was absolutely bizarre after all. And besides he would do a check on it later and he could always kill him then if he found out he was lying. "It seems we have a few things in common you see. Both ex cops turned cop killers, both smart enough to take advantage of the most easy lead in our society," Hanson shuddered at being referred to as that, it was somehow how different when someone else called him a killer, especially when he could see they believed it wholeheartedly. He stayed silent, trying with everything he had to fend off the memories from of that time that were threatening to cloud his focus. Doug however was confused by Lawrence words, 'Both cop killers? What? Was he still planning to kill Hanson?' Because if that was the case Tom certainly didn't seem to have noticed.

Penhall stepped forward anxiously. "What are you playing at?" he provided finally breaking his silence.

"Don't be rude Doug, were having a reunion here, it's always nice meeting up with a fellow officer fallen from grace," he said as he slapped a frozen Tom jovially on the shoulder. "Or are you a cop too? Of course how rude of me you were probably he his partner right, want to join in on our reminiscing about the good old days?" he said apologetically to Penhall.

"Not particularly," Doug returned cautiously, still confused about the strange scene unfolding before him. The partners were usually excellent at being able to read a dangerous situation like this but he was certain that he and Tom were both going to be surprised by whatever came next.

"Of course how rude of me again, what good old days! You both barely look old thought to be on the force," Lawrence said laughing at his own joke; like they hadn't heard it a million times before.

He stopped after a few seconds when he realised the others in the room didn't find his joke amusing. "Ok well since you guys seem so put out by my impoliteness why don't you let me make it up to you boys by giving you the answer to the question you have both been desperately asking," In response he was provided only with a baffled look from Doug so he continued anyway. "You said you didn't want to offend the wrong person, so if I were you boys I wouldn't want offend me,"

"And why is that?" Tom said finally getting himself to focus on the situation at hand long enough to string a sentence together.

"Because I'm _it_ now, this is all mine," he said proud grin on his face. "That cop I said I shot was Jeffrey Benton. And what was his, is now mine, end of story," Tom and Doug exchanged glances of delight, both of them not noticing Mathews odd behaviour.

"That all we needed?" Tom said raising his eyebrows in Doug's direction, returning his gaze to Lawrence.

"Sure is!" Doug answered along with a sigh of relief.

"Excellent," he said as both officers raised their guns once again, aiming them at the now confused ex-cop.

"You are under arrest," They both loved this part of the job, the moment they finally got to stop acting like filth and show their suspects they had been deceiving them all along.

"Should have trusted those instincts mate," Doug said mischievously.

Hanson pulled his cuffs out of his pocket and ordered Lawrence to turn around put his hands against the wall. He did as he was told, the surprised look on his face a few moments earlier had quickly changed to one filled with animosity. It seemed he had quickly caught on that he had been completely fooled. But he wasn't going to let them think they had won that easily; he wanted to ensure there were some seeds of doubt in their minds.

"Seriously, boys!" he started in the most patronising and arrogant tone he could manage now he no longer had the upper hand. "Your little act was pathetic! And if you really think people are going to believe you, two rookie officers, one who was on trial for murder, innocent or not," he said lingering on the last word aware it was a sore point with the flustered officer. "Over me! A highly respected retired police Captain, you've obviously lost it!"

Tom answered his cutting remark by aggressively lowering the man's hands from above his hand to behind his back.

"We fooled you," he said assertively as he was twisting Lawrence's wrists for good measure; just the way they had been taught to do with disobliging criminals to ensure they cooperated.

It was then a distraught Mathew appeared next to him red faced and shouting. "Is this a joke, what the hell just happened? You guys are cops? And _you_ killed someone? This guy is a cop and he killed someone? That someone was my dad and he killed him because my dad… my dad was a drug dealer?" he said voice becoming thinner as he was understandably struggling to take in all that had just happened. "Tell me what the fuck is going on Tom! Tell me this isn't really happening, tell me it's all some sick twisted joke!"

'Oh man,' Tom had honestly forgotten Mathew was there and couldn't believe he didn't make the connection between the last name of the officer Lawrence had said he killed and Mathew, he didn't even know the kids dad was a cop. He felt bad he couldn't give Mathew the answer he wanted, so he said nothing.

"I can't believe this, I trusted you, I told you things Tom, things I hadn't shared with anyone, and you just, just used me, I don't even know what to think anymore, did your dad actually get killed or is that just part of your cover?" he continued anger melting away allowing the hurt to become evident in his voice.

"This isn't the time Matt, we'll talk about it later," Hanson said as patiently as he could considering he had only half apprehended his suspect and would much prefer to have all his attention focused on Lawrence.

"No I want to talk about it now!" he said shoving Tom causing him to momentarily lose his balance. "This asshole killed my dad!" he shouted, his fist barely missing the side of Lawrence's face, not due to lack of trying but because Tom had managed to send the blow off course with his elbow. Doug was then quick to rush over to pull Mathew off Tom and Lawrence, handcuffs out and ready.

"You need to calm down," Doug suggested as he pulled Matts hands behind his back. It was then Tom was about to start desperately defending his actions to Mathew, but he knew he would sound pathetic and could see it would be useless anyway. Matt had clearly already decided what to believe. So Hanson instead gave a simple nod to Penhall, who then continued to fasten the Handcuffs around the young boys wrists. Tom would have to deal with that later. Right now he had to do his actual job.

He began to pull his own cuffs out of his pocket but before he could begin use them Lawrence had taken the opportunity given to him by Mathews outburst to turn around and punch Tom in the stomach in one swift movement. Tom stepped backwards to stop himself from falling over and bent forward instinctively to protect his midsection. In the short time it took for him to do this it became evident Lawrence wasn't about to continue his attack. He had instead proceeded to make a run for it. He shot straight past Tom and slipped out the door behind him to ensure Doug never got a clear shot at him. As soon as he had darted behind the door Tom was chasing after him. He wasn't about to let this asshole get away because he had for the second time tonight let his guard down.

**Hope it wasn't too unbelievable, confusing or long winded haha. It would be terrible if I put anyone to sleep :S ****Anyways let me know what you think or if you have any suggestions or whatever!? **

**Also as I split it into two the next update will be quick! No lies this time I promise :) So check back soon!**


	19. Chapter 19

**See told you I would be quick :) And I kept my promise for once! I feel like it was cheating though considering I was almost finished this chapter when I posted the last bit. Also as I have split some chapters up the story is looking like it will be about 24 chapters! So stay tuned? Anyways onwards with the story! **

Chapter 19

…Can't run forever …

Tom sprinted after the Lawrence, who was surprisingly fast for a slightly overweight middle aged bloke. He had lead him onto the street outside and continued to change directions around corners never giving Hanson the chance to pause and take a warning shot in his direction. Tom had only run about 300 metres when he suddenly felt like he was unable to go any further. His breathing was so heavy but he still found he was unable to draw in enough oxygen. 'This is pathetic'. He felt himself unintentionally slowing down. 'You're a joke Hanson, can't even chase down a fucking 50 year old man,' came a taunting voice in his head as his legs gave up on him and he found himself leaning against the alley wall, head hung between his arms, heaving.

'God am I really this unfit' he thought even though he realised his inability to stay upright on his own probably had more to do with the lack of sleep and liquid diet over the last few weeks, combined with the blow to his abdomen that he had just endured. Even after accepting that when he saw his partner jog around the corner to find him in such bad shape, he didn't think he had ever felt more pathetic.

He soon found he was incapable of standing any longer and he felt his body hit the cold concrete as he rolled onto his back, causing him to feel slightly winded, making breathing more challenging. He then proceeded to inelegantly slide down the wall until he sat unmoving on the floor. He found himself wishing the ground would swallow him up, even though he thought he couldn't sink any lower, he had hit rock bottom. Truthfully he thought he was there weeks ago and before that years ago, but today he had been proven wrong again. Finally the punishment he had been inflicting on his body had caught up with him, he couldn't escape what he had been running for any longer. He needed to face up to it, but he already knew that. It was just he wished this humbling reminder could have waited until after they had wrapped up the case. As he could deal with disappointing himself, he had done that loads of times before, but today he had let everyone down.

Hanson looked up momentarily to see that Doug had almost reached him before returning his eyes to the floor willing his surrounds to stop spinning.

"He got away," was all he could manage to get out between ragged breaths, he then inhaled deeply before daring to continue, "Where's, Mathew," he managed before stopping again, instead needing invest all his energy in preventing himself from starting to dry reach as a result of the nausea he was feeling. As he was pretty sure his partner had not seen his performance moments ago and he was going to make sure he didn't experience an encore.

"I cuffed him to the… wait, never mind about him! Are you ok? Did he break a rib or something back there?"

"No," Tom said staring at the ground wishing more than anything that he did have a broken rib, at least he would have an excuse for the pitiful state he was in.

Doug continued obviously still confused, "Then what happened?" God Tom wished he didn't sound so worried. It only made him feel worse.

"He just got away," he admitted regretfully after deciding there was no point in trying to salvage his dignity, he was way past that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As they arrived at the chapel after dropping Mathew downtown they were greeted by their irritated Captain. It seemed word had travelled faster than they thought. They were really hoping they would be the ones to tell him the bad news.

"He was three metres away! There was no way I could stop him even if I did know he was planning to get his gun out!" Doug said outraged at Fuller's latest remark.

"Captain he's right, I acted on my own," Tom said standing solemnly.

"Doug you are his partner and partners have to take responsibility for each other's actions, the good and the bad. And disregarding that I cannot forgive the fact that you are with him every day, you had to know better than anyone that him being in the field was a bad idea. But you were selfish enough to put numerous lives in danger by keeping it to yourself,"

"Are you kidding, this is like de ja vu, I'm not his keeper, he should have come to you about his issues, he is not my responsibility," Doug spat, the feeling of resentment that had presented itself to him a few days ago still strong.

"I don't want to hear it," he said coldly.

Hanson was becoming frustrated with how his Captain was treating him, he should be the one getting in trouble not Penhall! He deserved to be punished for his idiocy so why wasn't he the one being yelled at?

"Can you not talk about me like I'm not here Coach!" He let out irritated. "And besides you know I can put my personal issues aside, I am fine to be working, Penhall had nothing to tell,"

"I used to think you could separate you're personal and work life but after these last two weeks I don't think so anymore," he said finally acknowledging Tom, clearly disappointed in his officer and his own misjudgement of the situation. Hanson tore his eyes away from Fullers stare, feeling ashamed. The disappointment he saw was worse than any anger or punishment he could have received.

"I've been thinking of putting you on desk duty after this case, and after today's performance Tom you have done nothing but convince me it would be the right thing to do,"

"But Sir the case isn't over!" he protested in frustration. Doug could tell his partner desperately wanted to make up for his stuff up and Doug found it easy to understand how Hanson felt.

"I don't want to hear it Hanson, because it is over for you" Fuller said loudly over Tom, which only frustrated him more.

"Sir just let us get this creep," Penhall volunteered hoping his input might sway their Captain.

"I am done talking about this, so you can both leave," Fuller said, again ignoring their pleas. The officers both erupted in protest, "Now!" he barked managing to be louder than both of them without much effort.

With that Tom stormed out, "Where you going?" Doug called as he followed him out the door.

"Does it matter," he said dashing around a corner before Penhall could respond. Doug looked back at Fuller, and they shared a mutual look of worry. Toms exit had caught the interest of Judy and Ioki who then began to listen to what Doug had started to say.

"Sir, I've never seen him lose control that bad on a case before, I couldn't believe he pulled out his gun like that, Tom would never usually overlook a major detail like that the guy used to be a cop and would recognise it. And when he tried to chase him down he barely made it one block before I found him emptying the contents of his stomach onto the pavement. I'm really worried about him Cap'n," Doug said almost forgetting to take a breath.

"I know, so am I" Fuller replied sincerely, surprised at how quickly their fiery conversation had turned into this. "Just let him cool off before you talk to him ok?" he suggested not really knowing what else to say.

Tom was already half way home as he continued to replay the events of the afternoon. He recalled the desperate feeling he felt about needing to get away from Jump Street, before he suffocated under their judgmental looks and thoughts. He was already feeling embarrassed and didn't think he could stand them analysing him for a moment longer. He had stuffed up cases before but none so badly simply because he had allowed too many other things to be on his mind, because of his carelessness. Even though he had replayed what he had done wrong over in his head several times already he allowed his mind to drift back to the beginning again not because he wanted to punish himself but because he didn't want to think about what he was going to do next. As truthfully, being stuck behind a desk and being out in the field filled him with the same sense of dread.

**Please let me now your thoughts! **

**And don't forget to check back next week if you're still interested to see how it pans out for everyone! ;)**

**(I'm thinking about one chapter a week is more realistic while I'm at uni!)**


	20. Chapter 20

**I'm so sorry for how long this has taken! But I had quite a few uni exams and assessments and I didn't want to rush this part as it was the idea of this part that inspired my whole story... anyways I hope some of you still care and will come back and read this even though I was so slow :/Also its really not still exactly how I want it but im sick of staring at it sooo here it is haha :) **

**Also thankyou to everyone who left me a review so nice to know people care about the en of the story.. so thankyou !**

Chapter 20

... Too much to handle ...

It had been two weeks since Lawrence had gotten away and while the officers were no longer on the case they were both finding it hard to keep it out of their minds. Even Doug who was busy with a new case couldn't fully concentrate without the satisfaction of having the creep behind bars. And he needed his full concentration on this case as he was flying solo due to Fuller insisting Hanson take some time to himself. This meant that he had barely had any time to himself, let alone time to check on his friend. So when he heard news that Lawrence had been stupid enough to get himself arrested on some minor possession charges he was more than keen to see his partner and tell him the good news.

He had arrived at Hanson's apartment within minutes of hearing about Lawrence and eagerly knocked on his partners door. After there was no answer he remembered the spare key he had hidden without Hanson's approval so he reached above the door frame to grab it and swiftly let himself in.

Doug's good mood was quickly ruined after he scanned the room only to see a half empty bottle of beer, attached to an arm draped off the edge of Hanson's couch, attached to none other than Tom himself.

"You asshole!" he yelled, startling Hanson awake, sending the bottle he was loosely grasping crashing to the floor. "I can't believe this! I've been busting my but all week by myself and you've been what? Passed out the entire time?"

"Doug? huh?" Hanson said dazed, holding his head.

"What the hell Tom, Fuller told you to take some time so you could get yourself together not so you could become a fucking alcoholic and sabotage your career," Tom had finally managed to sit up but was still looking at Doug unfocused. "I can't believe how selfish you are being, did you even think of me, all the times I've put myself on the line for you, and all the things I've told you about my parents, my dad, I wouldn't have thought you of all people would sink to this, to the selfish way out," the fogginess in Toms head had finally subsided but he still found himself confused at the accusations being thrown at him.

"A way out what are you going on about, this isn't a way out I think your overreacting a tad Doug, and would you please stop yelling at me," he said, a frustrated edge creeping into his tone.

"Then what is it? A way of punishing yourself? Come on Tom you're better than this,"

"Than what? I'm not doing anything, I'm not punishing myself, it's not a way out. … How did you get in here anyhow?" he said, now not hiding his annoyance as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

"Does it really matter Tom, I'm here now and I want to know what is going on with you lately and I'm not accepting you telling me you will be fine one more time, because you said that last time and your still not over it," Doug took a seat making his point that he wasn't about to leave Hanson to get back to his beauty sleep. Hanson sighed loudly before deciding to give in to Doug's wishes.

"This, what you see now, is me trying to find a way to forget things for a while; sometimes I just need to shut it all out,"

"Give me a break, I didn't come here to hear your excuses!" Tom withdrew momentarily, this harsh comment was hard to hear.

"Then why did you come here?" he said bitterly, allowing his sharp tongue to lash out before he could regain his composure. "It's not like you've made the effort any other time in the last two weeks, do you have some paperwork for me to do or something," he finished uncaringly. Then suddenly a wave of guilt rushed over him as his clarity returned. As with a clear head he knew Doug really just wanted to help him, even if he wasn't sure about how to go about it. When he was in his right mind he also knew Penhall was right, he needed change something and stop allowing himself to be comforted by his excuses. But that's why he always did his best to ensure whenever he was alone with his thoughts that he was never completely coherent.

"I'm sorry, I know it's a not an excuse but I just can't deal with it all the time, not 24 hours a day, every day. It's too much and I have to shut it out somehow and this is _one_ of the only ways I know how," they shared a look of understanding, both of them knowing that the other way was even less ideal.

"But what is it you want to shut out?" Doug said now more calm due to the sobering course the conversation had taken.

"The guilt," he said matter of factly.

"I've told you before Hanson, you have no reason to be guilty,"

"I know you've told me before and I've told myself over and over again but I don't believe it Doug, I really want to but I just can't buy my own bullshit," he said desperately, begging his partner to understand as tears threatened to pool in his eyes. "I've hurt so many people, it would be better if I just stopped ok,"

"You told me this wasn't you giving up,"

"Well sometimes I do just want to give up," he said looking up at him, his expression stern, "What's so terrible about that?"

Doug couldn't believe the beaten man in front of him was the same one who he had stood beside on so many cases, his partner who he would willingly trust his life with over and over, the one who would always go that extra mile when Doug was ready to call it a day. "For one you are not the kind of guy who takes the easy way out, because if you are you've sure fooled me for the last 5 years,"

Hanson looked honestly puzzled, why did he have so much faith in him? "Seriously? All I've done is take the easy way out of things, I couldn't deal with my dad dying so I escaped then, I can't deal with my job so now I try and escape, just in a different way," he sighed before continuing, "That's not really my point though, I just mean that at least I wouldn't hurt any more people!" he finished.

"Rubbish Hanson, you would hurt all the people who love you, Fuller, Ioki, Judy," Tom looked up, "and me, it would kill me Tom, remember when you told Harley that you couldn't take what he was going to do, well I can't take it Hanson," he yelled desperately becoming more distraught as his thoughts were finally being verbalised and made tangible, "You were the one who said to me that there was nothing in the world so bad that the only option is suicide,"

An uneasy silence came over the apartment. The emotion of the situation left both men winded, unable to breathe in the abundant air around. They looked into each other's eyes fiercely as if they needed to desperately yell something at each other but were instead suffocating in the silence. Tom finally spoke, ending the seemingly infinite moment.

"Doug, calm down, I'm not about to go and do anything stupid, its ok, I'm fine really," he said slowly but firmly, trying to sound as convincing as he could. He hadn't realised how much he was scaring his friend, honestly he had shocked himself with his own admissions. "I've just been feeling a little shit lately, working through some personal stuff," he said sounding like his normal self. But when Doug still didn't respond but looked a little relieved Hanson continued, feeling like now he was finally ready to share with someone what was burdening him.

"When I went to jail I thought my life was over, it took me a while but I had accepted it, and I thought I would never have to think about this job and whether I would keep on doing it," Doug listened on intently.

"I felt like I was finally getting what I deserved. My life was over but I was ok with it in a weird way," Doug now looked at him worriedly confirming what Hanson had always kind of known, that his logic was wacked, but it was what he had convinced himself was true. You have a lot of time to yourself to think when you're locked up after all.

"But now I'm out and well it is taking some getting used to," he laughed uncomfortably. "And I keep saying that I will be fine but I'm not sure whether I will be, or even whether I want to be. There are some things I've done that I'm not sure I will ever be able to come to terms with. There are some things that I let happen in there that I will never be able to forgive myself for," Doug looked at him pityingly. It was the most he had heard Tom talk about his time in jail apart from when he was joking about it.

"You can't beat yourself up about it forever Tommy," he offered cautiously not even sure what he was referring to.

"I don't think I want to see the me that would be ok with forgiving myself for what I did, and I'm afraid that if I allow myself to move on I will, I'm so frightened of that Doug," he said seriously looking Doug directly in the eyes before breaking eye contact again. "I don't know maybe I deserve to be miserable,".

"You're insane, you know that right?" Penhall offered weakly utterly bewildered about the fact Tom had convinced himself he deserved to be in jail.

"Probably," Tom returned just as matter of faclty.

"But I'm also the only one who knows how shitty I feel and how much it hurts when I wake up in the middle of the night stone cold sober and I can't get back to sleep because I can't get them out of my mind" he said becoming distressed, rubbing temples.

"Or when it's the start of a new case and all I can think is that there's now another kid who is about to get his or her life ruined by me,"

"These aren't innocent kids Tom,"

"But there not terrible kids either, most of them are hurting for some reason too,"

"Well then think of all the kids you've helped! What would they have done without you, you never gave up on them; on Harley, Diane Nelson, Kenny Weckerley,"

"Yeah turned out just great for Kenny didn't it," he said rolling his eyes at Doug's attempt to make him feel better. "I just can't help thinking that there has to be a better way than this, than throwing them in Jail, it doesn't help, because by the time we get to them it's usually too late to help them back anyways,"

"Oh Hanson, you are always trying to save the world but you must realise you can't, all you can do is do your job and make it safer out there and help those you come into contact with," Hanson scoffed at the piss weak statement that he had heard himself repeat over and over again without really meaning it.

"You're my partner and my best friend. I can't stand seeing you like this you need to not put so much pressure on yourself, or you will be useless to everybody,"

"Will be? Look at me," he laughed fully aware of the sorry state he was in, but Doug wasn't finished.

"You hurt because you care, that's what makes you you, it makes you a good cop. I've never once known you to hurt someone on purpose you have only ever tried to do what you think is best. You're a good person Tom," Tom cringed; he couldn't stand one more person telling him what a top bloke he was when he felt so dirty and cruel.

"And I know you don't really want to forget all these kids, your memories and experiences are what make you who you are, they affect the way you do your job and they are part of what makes you a good cop who cares deeply about putting the right people behind bars. You are one of the most compassionate people I know. And I know that's why you want to make their lives and their memories mean something. But you can't put this much pressure on yourself, you have to see it's crazy,"

"I know it is," he paused looking uncertain about whether to continue, "Doug, you say I'm your friend and your partner but what if I couldn't be both?"

"What on earth are you on about now!"

"I don't think I'm cut out to be a cop," he spat out finally saying out loud what he had been terrified of admitting his entire adult life.

"Rubbish, you're the best cop I know, it's in your blood for Christ's sake,"

"I know, but it got my father killed and I feel like it's going to kill me, the things we do every day, the way we emotionally rip off these kids, it just feels so wrong,"

"It's just part of the job Hanson, you know that,"

"I know it is and that's what I'm saying, I don't think I can do this job anymore if that's what it involves. Can't you see I can't cope with it, its eating me alive, it's killing me man," Doug stared at Hanson intensely, brow furrowed. Then he finally saw it. Tom was kind, compassionate and honest, he could be described at reserved yes, but in no way manipulative. He could see that it took everything in him to be so manipulative and derisive when trying to befriend their suspects. Doug had to act different too, as he also didn't find pleasure in lying as a living but he could see Hanson was tired of acting, that it took everything from him. He saw for the first time why undercover cops never stayed undercover for their whole careers. He could see Tom thought he was done and after the last few weeks and what he had told Doug he could understand why.

"I don't think I can do it, you guys think I'm so capable, so together but I'm not. Look at how many lives I've screwed up and this apartment hasn't been clean since May," Doug looked at the serious expression on his friends face and tried to hold in a giggle. He knew he was dead serious but it was such Hanson thing to say, to be concerned with the mess even with so many other things obviously troubling him.

"I just don't want to do it anymore," he said sounding resigned as he fell back heavily onto his couch and took a long drink from another bottle he had eyed sitting on the floor beside the one he had dropped earlier. He felt the burning eyes of Penhall staring at him in disapproval. So he kept his gaze down not wanting to confirm his guess, that his friend now saw what he knew to be true long ago, that he was a pathetic, spent, coward.

Eventually after the silence continued for longer than was comfortable he looked up and was surprised at what he saw. He saw his partner and best friend looking back at him not in disappointment but with sympathy and understanding in his eyes. After his initial relief however he realised he hated seeing Doug hurting for him more, how could he have been so selfish to burden him with all of this. "Don't you get it Doug, I'm worthless, spent. You need to just let me wallow in my own self-pity and get on with your life ok," although he was glad for Doug's understanding he also couldn't stand to put him through anymore of his shit and this part of Toms head was winning and forcing him to stand up and point Penhall out of his apartment.

"Whatever Tom I'll go, but always remember you don't have to deal with everything alone, I know you did when you were younger but you have loads of people who care about you and want to help you get through this head space you're in," Tom didn't reply but instead just turned around and walked towards his room.

As Hanson heard the click of the door closing he stopped for a moment allowing his relief of being alone again wash over him. He then decided against walking all the way to his bed when he saw the couch and slinked over to it instead. He quickly slipped off his alcohol stained shirt from the earlier incident and instead wrapped himself in the blanket that was to his great surprise still neatly folded on the arm of the couch. He then sank back into his seat closing his eyes hoping he would be able to slip effortlessly back into the dreamless sleep he was having before Doug had interrupted. After a few minutes of his thoughts not allowing him any peace, he downed the rest of the drink he had been holding earlier without thinking. He briefly wondered if he was becoming an alcoholic before dismissing the thought thinking he didn't really care.

Doug may have left Toms apartment at that moment but his head stayed trapped in a replay of that conversation. He was worried about Hanson's wellbeing before but he was terrified for him now. It was only after a few hours later that he realised he had been so preoccupied with Tom's state that he hadn't even told him the good news about Lawrence. He supposed he would just have to tell him tomorrow. Perhaps then he would have had some sleep and he might be in a brighter mood, it couldn't get much worse that was for sure.

**Hope you enjoyed this extra long instalment and that I didn't put anyone to sleep, Let me know your thoughts? **


	21. Chapter 21

_**Wow its been a long time... Sorry about that! Its been crazy, but after finishing 2 exams and 2 essays I finally got time to work on this. Hope you guys haven't given up on me it may be slow going but I'm almost there! Just a few chapters (Lots of good stuff planed also!)**_

_**Hope you guys like what I've written, also just a heads up don't know much about the whole court system so the technicalities are probably all wrong but anyways haha :) Also this probably isn't that great but needs to happen! More angsty stuff will follow!**_

_**Thanks as always for those who let me know what they thought! Means the world and is always good motivation! Been lacking a bit of that as you can probably tell by how long this took :/ **_

_**Onwards!**_

Chapter 21

…Intentions …

As Tom's alarm startled him from his half sleep and half daydream he shot up out of bed and swiftly started getting ready for the day. As he got dressed he outright refused to check himself over in the mirror. As he knew that what would stand before him would only contradict the confidence he felt and consequently ruin his composure for the day. He put on his suit and slid his tie under his collar before grabbing his keys and exiting his apartment swiftly. To an outsider it almost looked as if he was running late. But Tom Hanson was never late. And even though he hadn't been himself over the last few weeks he knew that there was no way he was going to be late today, no way he was going to mess up this case again.

As today was the day he would be facing Lawrence once again, this time in court. He sat in silence on his drive to the courthouse. The only noise he could hear was the buzzing of the million thoughts in the back of his mind. All of them mixed together, none of them able to pull away from the others and make itself heard.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The court case was moving slowly with Tom only half being able to concentrate on the proceedings. However when he heard Lawrence being called to the stand the fogginess that had been following him all day finally cleared.

Lawrence's usual harsh appearance was softened by his neatly combed hair and smart suit. His words were spoken gently and his usual confidence was replaced by timidness. Tom saw straight through his act, he just desperately hoped everyone else did too. He surveyed the Jury and the room, disappointed to see the faces intently focused on Lawrence's words as if they were life sustaining.

He then turned to the very back of the room to see Mathew, who had a look of displeasure and disgust plastered across his face and displayed clearly in his body language. Tom had never seen him look so agitated. Feeling unsettled at the sight he moved his gaze slowly back around to the front of the room, pausing to check over his partner not surprised to see him looking completely bored.

As Lawrence's lawyer questioned him it quickly became evident that he would be accepting the drug charges, as he had probably realised they had too much evidence against him. "Is it true that you were heavily involved in this drug operation that Officer Hanson and Officer Penhall were investigating?," questioned his lawyer.

"As much as I hate to admit it, yes I was," he said. His look of distress not fooling Tom or Doug at all, both of the officers rolling their eyes in unison.

"But I am deeply regretful for the role I played in all of it, most of all the role I played in inducting so many young kids into this world," Tom and Doug couldn't help but roll their eyes at this comment.

"You say that now you regret it, that you're ashamed of the role you played. If this is the case can you tell us why you got involved in the first place?"

"I sacrificed everything for the Police force. For 20 long years I worked tirelessly trying to make the street a better place. But after a while you see that no matter how many dealers you bust or hookers you arrest, people are going to keep doing drugs and selling themselves if that's if that's what they want to do," Doug turned to Tom again with a look saying 'Would you get a load of this guy, what bullshit,'. Tom nodded and made the appropriate face even though honestly he almost agreed with what Lawrence was saying. It was like Lawrence had heard the conversations that had been playing out in Tom's head.

Lawrence looked over at the officers as he continued. "I became disillusioned with the job I suppose, sick of risking my life every day for scumbags that don't give a damn about theirs," Doug stared back, looking directly into his eyes while Tom stared a little lower down, settling on examining the knot in his tie. Terrified that if he looked up he would see too much of himself, that he would see the same bitter, broken down look in Lawrence's eyes he had seen in his own numerous times before.

Lawrence knew he had Hanson on the edge, something he said had made him look like that and made I unable to meet his eyes any longer, so he continued more confidently knowing his words were having the desired effect, "Soon it was only about bringing the pay checks home. So when one of my friends who was also on the force said he could cut me in on some action for a little extra cash it was very tempting to say the least. Then almost as quick as I accepted his offer it felt like I ended up here, almost running the operation. But I was ready to get out, I was done, I couldn't do it anymore. I realised that no amount of money in the world was worth it, especially after Jeffrey Benton was murdered. That was the final straw."

Tom knew this speech was too long and too well spoken to have not been rehearsed but at the same time he couldn't help but think it felt quite natural. Which was frustrating, as the last thing they needed was for everyone to believe his story.

His lawyer finally spoke again, "Prior to your arrest you admitted you killed Jeffrey Benton to the undercover officers, are saying that you didn't kill Jeffrey Benton?"

"I could never kill someone in cold blood like that, especially not a friend which is what he had become to me,"

"At the time you admitted to this murder is it true that Officer Hanson had threatened you, and had in fact aimed his gun at you?"

"Yes,"

"Do you believe this contributed to why you lied about killing Jeffrey Benton,"

"Of course it did, it was a precarious situation and I was scared. I needed to re-establish my dominance, re-instil fear into them. It was dangerous having them think they could overpower me so easily without consequences,"

"And this is a common thing that happens in the criminal world?"

"Happens all the time, people taking the rep for things they didn't do. It's the easy way to build your reputation. As without a reputation people begin to see you as an easy target,"

"Did you now he was a Police Officer at the time?"

"Of course not, otherwise I would never have admitted to something I didn't do, I thought I was talking to two crooked or washed up ex-cops who had got it in their heads that they could take me on and so I needed to knock them down a level,"

"But if you were innocent why did you run?"

"They had just finished convincing me they weren't cops, they didn't show me their badges, and they had just threatened my life. I ran because I was scared, simple as that,"

"If you didn't murder him then can you tell us who did?"

"Denny Cartwright, a dealer who worked for me. These officers actually dealt with him a few times, I believe he held a gun to officer Penhall's head," he finished, allowing a grin to cross his face. And even though it may have been only for a second it was still the first time he had let people see what was beyond his façade of remorse.

"Thankyou that is all," his lawyer concluded before sitting down exchanging glances with the other lawyer who was now taking his place on the floor. He began immediately and threw many trying questions at Lawrence who effortlessly answered them. Many questions later he was almost finished.

"Former Captain Lawrence, I only have two more issues with your story. You say you thought they were school kids when you ran away. But at this time they had restrained you in handcuffs, doesn't that indicate to you that they were in fact undercover officers?"

"As I said earlier they never actually showed me their badges and they had just finished convincing me that they were ex-cops. In a life and death situation like that you don't have a lot of time to consider your options, you rely on your instincts to keep you alive," He said confidently.

"Jeffrey Benton was running the whole operation and when he died you took over, seems like a good motive to me,"

"Again, as I already said I didn't want in any deeper, I was trying to get out of the bussiness," he said still managing to remain remarkably calm. Damn the guy had an answer for everything Tom thought in frustration, even if some were slightly questionable. Most men would at least stumble at this question.

"So you said," Finished the lawyer feeling satisfied he was able to make all his points and even though he had predicted this result he was frustrated at the fact Lawrence had managed to keep his cool.

Next Doug was called to the stand, much to Hanson's displeasure as this meant he was up next. He watched his partner who unlike himself didn't really have a problem with being the centre of attention as he casually stood up and sauntered to his place behind the stand. He looked comfortable as to him as much as he despised Lawrence he despised almost all the criminals they caught and so this was just like any other case that they had testified at.

His questioning was going rather smoothly until the defence lawyer, unfortunately for him triggered something in Doug's memory. "So it is in fact possible that Denny Cartwright could be responsible for the murder of Jeffrey Benton?"

"It is possible yes, but this is simply an accusation, a shift of blame and a distraction. We have no evidence supporting this claim," said Doug firmly obviously frustrated with the diversion tactics the defence lawyer was employing.

"Well if were talking lack of evidence then lets looks closer to home shall we, you two undercover officers spent almost a month trailing Mr. Lawrence and have found no evidence that he in fact is responsible for killing Jeffrey Benton. Nothing other than a revoked admission of guilt made in a life and death situation," Doug rolled his eyes and scoffed at the lawyers dramatic rendition,

"And motive," added Doug.

"Yes and motive, but I imagine many people would have had motive to kill Jeffrey Benton. one of those people being Denny Cartwright as he also had the opportunity to move up the ranks and as you know officer Penhall he was in no way shy to flash around his weaponry," A sudden smirk came over Doug's features.

"Yes you are right when you say he certainly wasn't afraid to whip his gun out at every possible occasion," The lawyer stared at him intently looking taken aback by his sudden rise in enthusiasm so Doug continued with glee, "I clearly remember him holding his gun against my temple. My left temple. That is if you believe my own as well as my partner's report recounting the event. And I believe in the court of law, a police report is held more highly than a defendant's wild accusation. Is it not?," he said directing his question at the lawyer, quite impressed that he had managed to flip their roles.

"Yes Officer," The lawyer answered slightly agitated.

"Now again only going of an official report, I recall that the man who killed Jeffrey Benton did so with his right hand." Doug finished quite pleased with himself.

Lawrence's Lawyer faltered but only for a moment. "You are aware Officer the majority of the population is right handed and this doesn't prove Lawrence guilty,"

"No need to get all defensive, that's was not what I was implying at all. I was simply making a point that is couldn't be Denny cartwright." He said beginning to sound cocky even by Doug's standards.

"Right, well that is all," finished the defence lawyer before he speedily took his seat. Doug then followed his lead and casually exited the stands.

_**Alrighty... hopefully it wasn't to drawn out... check back tomorrow for the end of the case and toms bit (yes I know im gong to be super quick!)**_

_**And as always let know know your thoughts! Or even just say hey!**_


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

... Pinch me ...

It was now Tom's time to take the stand. He approached the stand slowly to allow himself as much time as possible to calm down his racing heart rate. As he sat down he tried to maintain his usual look of indifference, hoping that his tired appearance didn't betray him and let them know he would be rather easy to break if they pushed a little.

He knew his nervousness was irrational, as today was just like any other case. Doug had treated it that way so why couldn't he? Recently however he had been struggling with even the most simple cases, his anxiety about being in the stands increasing each time. He simply hated the scrutinising eyes coming at him from all directions, it reminded him too much of the time when he stood in that very room and fought for his own freedom. Today he was determined to keep it together, unlike when he had when they arrested Lawrence and unlike when he stood up here the last time.

"Officer Hanson, considering you spent a lot of time with the defendant, I'm sure we would all be interested to know what you think about Former Captain Lawrence's testimony?"

"I believe he's done a very convincing job of portraying his remorse to all of you today. However I also believe this portrayal of guilt is not honest. The man I got to know and the man behind todays façade isn't sorry for what he did, he's sorry he got caught,"

"Again relying on your experience with the issue and by thinking about yourself and your colleagues how easy do you think it would be to get caught up in this world?"

"We are exposed to it constantly so I suppose theoretically it would be easy. And becoming disillusioned with the work, sure, I get it. " he said solemnly hating how easily he related with the man he was testifying against. He was also disappointed in his lack of a real answer, as he knew that the accusatory lawyer would be expecting better from him than 'I suppose so'.

So when the lawyer didn't continue, he tried to, "But that doesn't mean we should feel sorry for him or show him our pity. Most officers if they've had enough leave and I don't know become a car salesman or something," he said.

Then suddenly he felt a rage he thought had been put out months ago threatening to flare up and disintegrate his calm exterior.

"Because once you have seen the damage these drugs can do, how it can ruin a person's life, devastate families, leaving parents childless as well as destroying neighbourhoods forever there is no way any decent person would willingly become a part of the problem. No decent person would be able to stand by and watch it happen, let alone encourage and take part in this ugly underworld. Guys like him, they don't know what it really means to be a cop, they make me sick," he said looking in Lawrence's direction with his new found spark, showing that he was no longer intimidated by him.

"He knew the conditions going in. Nobody becomes a cop with the aspirations to be rich. You do it to make a real difference, to make our society a safer place. So don't feel sorry for him because he thinks he didn't get paid enough. Don't feel sorry for him because he got bored of his job. Feel sorry for him because he doesn't value the ability to be able to save someone from being robbed, or from a life of abuse, or even the ability to save someone's life."

After this little passionate outburst Tom answered the rest of the questions rather smoothly, before he knew it, it was time for the defence lawyer to have his time to play with the witness,"

"Officer Hanson is it true you are currently on suspension?"

"Well, no not exactly, I've been forced to take some time from field work,"

"Ok, and has this been brought on by your actions in this case?"

"Well no, I mean yes, not really it's more to do with some personal issues I'm sorting through," he said a little flustered and clearly annoyed.

"Do you care to share them with us?" Tom looked over at Doug helplessly.

"No there um, they are as I said, personal, besides I don't really see how this has anything to do with the case,"

"It has something to do with the case if it means the officer working it wasn't fit for work. As I'm guessing these 'personal issues' have something to do with the time you sent incarcerated? Just a wild guess?"

"Objection," Called the other lawyer, "This is irrelevant sir, he is trying to tarnish the officers character,"

"Get to the point," replied the judge.

"If you remember I was proven innocent so can we please get on with discussing the case," Tom provided bluntly.

"That's right officer Hanson you were proven innocent, but you were jailed even though there was no solid evidence against you. So I would have thought you of all people would believe in not condemning anyone before we are certain of their guilt?"

"I uh, I believe that is what all people of the law strive for, to put the right people away,"

"I believe you also ran away and admitted guilt to the crime in the heat of the moment isn't that right?"

"Uh well, I was frightened, confused,"

"He was also frightened," the lawyer said interrupting a flustered Hanson.

"Look I don't know what you're playing at but I don't appreciate you trying to place me in the same boat as him. What happened in my trial doesn't change the fact that Lawrence is guilty, he admitted his guilt and had all the motive in the world. So if you're not going to ask me anything else regarding the case I think I'll sit back down," he said before pushing himself off his seat forcefully and striding back to his place next to Doug.

'Hey it could have been worse' Doug mouthed at him slapping him on the back. He was sure it could have been, but that didn't mean it was any less horrible. Or that it wasn't like his nightmares were playing out in real life or that he wanted to melt into his chair and become invisible any less.

The lawyers both made there closing statements and then finally the hearing was done and the jury had gone off to deliberate. They returned quickly and the verdict was handed to the judge with everyone eyes in the room following it.

"On the charge of carrying out the sale and distribution of an illegal substance the defendant is found, guilty. On the charge of the murder of Jeffrey Benton the defendant is found, guilty," the Judge then paused and took of his glasses.

Mr. Lawrence I not believe you are remorseful for your actions and in the sentencing this will be reflected. However I also have to consider the lack of solid evidence provided. So regarding these factors Mr. Lawrence, you will be sentenced to life imprisonment.

Tom and Doug looked at each other with relief. "We did it man," Doug offered in a hushed tone slapping his partner on the back jovially.

"Thank god man I, I think I would have killed him myself if he got away with this," he said in a playful tone that was contradicted by his deadpan expression.

"You would have to wait in line my friend," Doug said also struggling to hide his sincerity.

With that both of their attention was diverted to Mathew who was causing a commotion at the back of the court, saying something undecipherable through his tears before running out of the door.

"Looks like he'd be first in line though," Doug said grinning at his own joke before he turned back to Hanson only to see him burning holes into his head in disapproval.

"No?" Doug said his expression turning to one filled with fear.

**What do you think? Let me know? :) **


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